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  SST (11/05/09)

  Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
  
  This is a very exciting new program. I will explain it using the Q and A format:
  
  Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
  A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
  
  Q. Where will the government get this money?
  A. From taxpayers.
  
  Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
  A. Only a smidgen.
  
  Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
  A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
  
  Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
  A. Shut up.
  
  Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
  
  * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
  * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
  * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
  * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
  * If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
  * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
  * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
  
  Instead, keep the money in America by:
  
  1 spending it at yard sales, or
  2 going to hockey/ball games, or
  3 spending it on prostitutes, or
  4 beer or
  5 tattoos.
  
  (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)
  
  ***
  I'm going to go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale, and drink beer! Just call me a patriot.
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  BSPUNKY (10/21/09)

  Extra Hug :) Take Care
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  jav (10/15/09)

  STAY WARM UP THERE...I CAN IMAGINE THE WIND TEMPS, HERE IN OH ITS 30'S THIS AM...
  BUNDLE UP AND MAKE SOME SOUP...LOL
  JAV
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  SST (10/15/09)

  Larry is in Hospital Rm. 232
  Who the hell is 'Larry'? Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where the hell have you been?' Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo. ''A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get? ''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?' "Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. "Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital
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  SST (10/11/09)

  I went for my mammogram appointment. I was met with, 'Hi! I'm Belinda!'
  
  This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
  
  Everything clear?
  
  I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.'
  
  Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
  
  With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and Said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'
  
  Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
  
  My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
  
  'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda headed for the door.
  
  'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.
  
  Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'
  
  Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared.
  
  And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
  
  After exchanging polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
  
  Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.'
  
  'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved goodbye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
  
  Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?'
  
  'And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps'
  
  
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  lillyrose (10/09/09)

  sending sunshine to go with this beautiful fall weather
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  SST (10/08/09)

  Don't know if it's true but it is funny!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.
  
  
  
  Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
  
  
  
  
  Hi Sue,
  
  Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
  
  Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
  
  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
  So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature..
  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
  
  Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
  
  Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
  
  The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
  
  When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
  
  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
  
  Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
  
  When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
  
  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
  So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
  
  Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
  
  Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
  
  May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
  
  
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  JackC (10/03/09)

  I'D LOVE 2 CHAT WITH U IF WE R ONLINE AT THE SAME TIME
  
  HUGS
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  JackC (10/03/09)

  I'M 20 AND CRIPPLED AND GOING BLIND FROM CEREBRAL PALSY...PLS C MY PROFILE
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  kimmie42 (09/30/09)

  hi,sweetie
  there is not need to feel guilty u ha ve a life to live an ur finace would not want u to be along all ur life. i am so proud of u for taking this step i know it is hard but remember, u r not alone we are all in this together. love you

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