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MaxineDurchova 
The cycles abuse takes you in are annoying, because you go through hell once, and then, boom, you hit the light, and your rejoicing, halelujah, its getting better, and then, boom, once again, your in that dark place of evil, with no escape and all you can do is emit one long, soundless scream that no one hears because its all in your head.
I did great my first semester in college. I was excited by the novelty, in charge for the first time, independent , responsible, I made good grades, and I was happy.
Then Christmas break happened. I lost my focus, the concentration I have to keep to keep bad things from intruding, I fell back into the pit of memories and lies, of low self-esteem, but this time, when the holidays were over the rollercoaster trip to hell didn't stop. It just kept going with me just hanging on for the ride. One day, a steep drop into flashbacks, another a steep uphill climb twoards the light, the next week, the slow sickening plunge to suicidal thoughts.
The semester ended badly to say the least. Out of four classes, I failed two, and made an A in one, simply by showing up. If I'd had a scholarship, I would have lost it this semester. Now, tomorrow, another semester, the short, brutal, summer semester, begins. I am required to take a math class (my worst subject) and pass this time around, because if I don't, the school system kicks me out of every system school (34 seperate schools) for 3 years.
I can feel the sickening, stomach twisting plunge coming.
Thanks to everyone for the hugs and comments. Its nice to know others are with me on the roller coaster.
Comments
I'm going to take a chance, okay? School might not be the best thing right now because there are too many things going on at once. Added to that is the possibility of having to leave school for three years. I can share stories of my time in college, the first years, but that won't make a difference. The way I read things is that you know where you stand when it comes to academics. The past is the impase, is it not? Not dealing with it now means having to deal with it later, but at the expense of losing a toe-hold in university status. I've been there. I was kicked out for lack of participation and a low grade point average. It took eight years for me to return. I still don't have my degree and I've been attending off and on, but for personal reasons. Bottom line, as annoying as it is, as hurtful as it feels, it won't go away.
In all fairness, I don't know what to say. Don't know that what I'm writing will mean something. I just hope that you will be okay.
NavyBlue