Ellocin's Journal

What a day...lol.

Last night I decided I wasn't sleeping in my uncomfortable bed so I pulled the foam off the top along with my sheets and slept on the floor....it didn't really help any except that I did stay laying down until almost 1pm!  Crazy I know....but I did do one heck of a lot of tossing and turning and my back is still achy.  Not horribly sore, just annoying. 

I knew I needed to get out today as staying in yesterday didn't do me any favors so I eventually got myself in gear and managed to make it to the clinic about 15 minutes before they closed so I could get my routine bloodwork done...blah...have to do it weekly right now.  I feel like I practically live there....lol.  Ah well.  Good thing needles don't bother me....unless you're a dentist giving one through the roof of the mouth or if you're taking blood from an artery...*shudders*.  Anough of that...I got it done so wonder if I'll hear from my doctobr or one of the nurses as to what the count is.  They don't typically call unless it's lower but every once in awhile they do just to reassure me...it's nice.  It helps me to know what it is and that someone will take the time to let me know.

After that I went upstairs and bought more bus tickets...and since the medical office was open for flu vaccines and I hadn't heard back from the nurse I left a message with I decided to go in and talk in person about whether I could get it or not.  They weren't swamped or anything so I didn't feel terrible about it...in fact I was the last person in line so it was a lucky break.  They were still going to be there for a few hours.  So the nurse that was doing the flu shots was the one I like seeing the most...and she got in touch with my doctor and did some research and then talked to another doctor and decided that risking getting the flu is a higher risk to me then the flu shot.  They couldn't find anything that said I couldn't have it and the doctor made a good point that they give the shot to other immunocompromised patients so therefore they could to me as well.  Just the seasonal one for now.  So I got it.  I know it's a risk but I feel a little better having it right now with the way things are around here and I really don't want to be stuck in the apartment all the time avoiding everyone.  That kinda perpetuates the depression and anxiety.  So I'll continue to keep on eye on how I'm doing, continue to check temperature twice daily, and hopefully not have any problems.  Will cross each bridge as I get to it. 

Having trouble again with nighttime anxiety and feeling a little depressed.  I don't know why I get through most of the day okay...and then night time I really dip.  I don't know if it's the time change and being dark so early.  I never really thought it factored in for me since my depressed episodes were always so random and seemed to happen regardless of season.  Now I'm not so sure and since things have been going well it makes me a little extra nervous that I'm "due" for a fall.  I dunno.  Trying not to think that way.  Took a melatonin so hopefully I'll be able to sleep.  I'm hoping to volunteer tomorrow.  I really want to. 

I'm tracking my moods and daily events on paper for my specialists so I'll be sure to bring up my concerns with having a harder time then usual at night and more days that are a little lower then they typically have been over the last while.  Maybe now that I'm "stabilized" on a good medication I will figure out the things that truly are the triggers....instead of just having everything being a trigger because I was so far in the depression.  I know right now this WBC stuff isn't helping in that department any.  I just want to be like others my age and not have to worry.  I had to turn down an invitation tonight to go to an event that I really wanted to go to...and it's hard for me now that I'm enjoying life again and wanting to get out.  It's hard having to avoid crowds and worry about whether or not I'll pick up something while I'm doing the things that I have to get done....and now it seems just about everyone I know is sick.  It makes me sad....sometimes I am in denial about things because I just want to not have to think about it but I know I need to be more proactive then most. 

I do believe though that over the last few years it's a miracle that I haven't been seriously ill.  Sure I've had colds and rashes and issues....but aside from the depression and mental health stuff nothing that has been serious enough to require emergency medical treatment.  Especially considering last year and earlier this year my roommate was sick a lot.  I thank God for that.  I know He's got to be protecting me because I'm the one who usually catches EVERYTHING!  Maybe working in the ER for those 4 years before I really started having serious WBC issues ended up being a blessing in more ways then one...by exposing me to many things I wouldn't have been exposed to on a regular basis so my body could build antibodies while it was still healthy.  *shugs*  Just theorizing.  Nan, any thoughts on that?  Hehe.  Your comments (and everyone elses) mean a lot to me by the way.  I don't think I say often enough how much I appreciate each of you.  Thanks.  :)

Okay, anyway, I should probably head to bed.  Considering I've only been awake for 11 hours I am sure exhausted.