Journal

I know my parents love me and did the best they knew how in raising me...afterall they are human too...but today I'm feeling angry with them and resentful.  I know that's awful to say but it is how I'm feeling. 

I feel like the main lessons in life I learned from them are how to be angry (Dad) and how to be critical (Mom).  I'm having a lot of trouble in these two area's right now and I feel like it's their fault...because they were suppose to be an example to me and what kind of an example is that.  

Dad isn't so angry anymore...not so often anyway though he has his moments.  Mom still is very critical and is quick to give her opinion, to critisize, to find fault, to put down.  I tell her often that if she can't say something positive not to say it at all to me...but she quickly forgets.  It's just who she is...she doesn't do it to purposely hurt me (or anyone else) but she does it...often...and it does hurt.  I'm trying to learn how to not let it influence me but I fear it's too late and I'm having an awful time trying to change myself so I'm not like that to others...and I'm failing miserably at it.

I feel also like prayer right now is just succeeding in making me angrier and more irritable...which is most likely meaning that I'm going through a spiritual warfare battle as well.  I don't want to not pray and not look to God but I almost feel like I have no choice but to look away because things are calmer and less of a struggle when I am not following Him.  I don't want Satan to win this battle though.  I'm really struggling.  

How do you change things that are negative about yourself?  How do you stay focused on the Lord despite the trials?  How do you keep going when you feel most like giving up?  

I'm at my parents right now and will be for a few days.  I was suppose to go to my cousins housewarming party today but I just couldn't bring myself to go.  I can't handle being around so much of my family right now and I have too much stuff to do anyway...laundry mostly.

I found out it could take up to a year (or more) before I can get the rent subsidy...which is freaking hell.  I've got to finish working on my application and get it in as soon as possible...the sooner the better.  My family is not being supportive right now and at all.  They think that living were I'm living is the best option but it's making me miserable.  I've wanted out for awhile now and never really had an option...now it's getting to the point that it's necessary to leave but now I don't know what's going to happen because it could be awhile before I get the subsidized rent.

Unfortunately that will probably mean that unless things improve were I'm at (and drastically) then I'm going to bounce around with family and friends for a bit and then more then likely end up back in a shelter because that's just how things work.  I dunno...I'm probably just getting myself all stressed by looking too far ahead and going through the "what if's"...actually there would be one pro if I did end up in a shelter is that the subsidy would get approved quicker as I'd end up on a higher priority.

Anyway...I'm just frustrated and upset.  Hating the way things are going right now and hate the person I am right now...but at the same time I can't seem to stop getting so angry and irritable at the stupidest things...so most of the time now I just stay away from people and cry.  

Things are really really messed up here right now.  My roommate and I are having a lot of troubles with each other right now and are at least in agreeance that we shouldn't be sharing an apartment much longer.  I don't really know what all to write....just know that I'm feeling miserable and can't stop crying and that right now I'm tired of being an adult and I just want to crawl under a rock and have the earth swallow me up.  Think that can be arranged somehow?

I don't even got words to say right now.  I'm just so ticked off at so many different things.