Journal

I just joined an online EA group.

Although I can't figure it out at ALL, except to reply to other people's threads, this was my reply to someone else.

I am going to run it off and tape it to where I can read it everyday as I KNOW, I will NOT remember EVER saying or feeling this as I am NEVER kind to ME!!!

(WAS never, that is....       ;)

LOVED your post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO....I'm the normal one and ALL the friends that have left ME, are the ABnormal ones.

I never would have been "conceited" enough to think THAT! (?)

I am so alone because everybody that wants nothing to do with me (although I think I am one of the kindest, most caring, giving, empathetic person I know and I wish I had ME as a friend!! :) are the ones with the problem. (?)

Although I figured they all left me because I was the ABnormal one, it's really because I am too good for them and they can't handle it. LOL!!

I am going to use that to move forward in my life as I am so stuck in just exisiting right now, I can't even stand myself.

I guess I can't stand myself many times (EVER!!) because I don't treat ME like I treat others and that is just not right!!!!

I always felt that it was self-centered (?) to be so kind to mySELF(?) so I've been more critical, damning and just pure not NICE to ME. (?)

And isn't THAT the person who matters the MOST???!!!???

I NEVER give myself ANY credit and that's what has kept me STUCK!

I will NOT move forward thinking "I am too good for others" (which would be a very stuck-up attitude) but with the mindset that "I AM GOOD ENOUGH!" and MAYbe, THEY just aren't good enough for ME.

(And no, I will NOT end THAT statement with a (?) :):):)

WELL, this is NOT the way I EVER talk or think (which EVERYone here at DS is FULLY aware of) so let's see where THIS kind of thinking takes me?????

I think pretty far, as long as I keep in mind, "I am good enough" and NEVER say, "I am TOO good!!"

I have 3 packs of cigs left from the carton I broke down and bought on the 10th.

I don't take them with me when I leave the house or have one everytime I wake up at night.

(Which is usually 3 or 4 times.)

So THAT part of the habit is still a plus that I am continuing.

 I feel bad, the cough is back (even though I didn't THINK I had a smoker's cough, I now realize that is exactly what that hacking sound is! :)

AND, the periodical wheezing is no fun either.

Last but not least, I was so "happy"(?) "proud"(?) (are those MY words? :) that I had accomplished something so I really let myself down but am ready to pick myself back up.

(While I am still breathing without oxygen.)

THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME THIS TIME.

I will smoke these 3 packs and quit forEVER!

SHOOTING for the 1st of November (which is another damn weekend, grrrr...) so I'm looking for something symbolic with that date like the one of 8-8-08.

I'm still kicking myself for starting again as anyone with depression KNOWS, it helps NOTHING.

Just like drinking helped NOTHING!!

Although I won't be a part of Team 8-8-08, :( you ALL are my inspiration!

Well, I'm back to smoking.

Not in a place in my life where I can give it up.

Quit, got more depressed.

Started after 50 days of not, got even more depressed yet.

Only smoking 3 or 4 a day instead of the usual 15 and cough is back with a vengence.

Can't win for losing.

Hate smoking.

Hate not smoking.

Hate my life.

Hate just exisiting IN life.

Clueless.

TOTALLY clueless.........