~Peace~
March 29, 2009 11:19am
Watch me as I slip into something
satiny and soft
May it be made out of
magohany
I will rest quitely, just for
a little while
See that …
Progress
10 %
Denise64
11:22am, March 29, 2009
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About Me
Denise64
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About Me
There's a poem that another person wrote and this poem says exactly what I want the world to know about me. Here I will share it with you. I am ... A woman With a full heart, hidden Somewhere in an empty room ... With eyes not quite of autumn's gold, and yet Neither all of summer's green; I wonder ... If love is a tale made for children -- A granting of sweet dreams in their innocence -- A honey-coating to help their throats Choke down the bitter draught ... I hear ... A voice that whispers warnings, half-formed, Bodiless as hope, until I swear I cannot draw Another breath unless this spectre be unmasked, His lies mangled ‘neath my righteous tread; I see ... A woman, proud, uncompromising, Diaphanous as air -- less, even, than the tears That fall in desolation about her weary feet, Salt poison pooled upon the withered ground ... I want ... A measure of quietude, a certain silence, The echo of alone which heals me of dreaming, The nothing that stills the wanting, The numb, the cold that laughs at pain; I am A woman, hidden ... I pretend ... That I can live forever -- that Time Has no puissance but that which I afford Him -- And so, I can wait, I can be happy tomorrow, Sleep is for the dead; but its ghosts haunt my waking ... I feel ... Too much -- too deeply to be directionless, Too real for imagining, and yet the familiar eyes Hold nothing of recognition -- only my reflection -- A meeting of shadows in sunlit glass; I touch ... The downy wings of hope, in wonder, In reverence, in need, in hunger; Alas, it burns my fingers as a flame, A sacrilege, self-defined ... I worry ... That I am alone; that in my longing I have forsaken all -- but oh, what reward, What smile divine should light the path to freedom -- And how can I but heed the siren's call? I cry ... For having too much, for fear of bursting, And then, when by the pouring of my soul I lie, a vessel emptied, I cry again For what was had, and lost; I am A woman, empty ... I understand That life is what you make it, That sometimes, the coat of many colors That marks your triumphs brightly, blends only To loneliest of grey ... I say That we are made by life, shaped, Broken, perhaps -- unmade and voided -- But always, the core of us remains, waiting With only faith, with trust, to be reborn; I dream Of bluest waters, reaching With unnatural hands toward the faded sky, Of dolphins that wander in seas without limits, Carrying me water-breathing past corals and clouds ... I try ... To lead by example, knowing That merely the telling holds no power; A gift of giving is merely a day, while A gift of knowing spans forever; I hope ... That my darkness holds you gently, That pain is halved by sharing, that feeling Wields nothing past the words it summons, Except that it touch you with only healing ... I am A woman, only. I Am by Skyfyre I also write poetry for which I discovered during the time of my mother's death that I like to do. My oldest daughter who is 17 now and my other daughter is 10 has the talent as well. She started writing poetry before I did, so maybe I got that from her...LOL instead of her acquiring that talent from me. I had my children late in life. I decision that I don't regret. I had to give them up about four years ago because of my depression that can be very hard on everyone concerned. Some say that it was a selfless act and some probably think "how could she". It was a very hard decision for me to make and I knew that they could not live a life were mom sometimes just doesn't want to get out of bed and doesn't. They are in good foster homes and I am still very much involved in their lives. However, I still feel guilty and it's something I will have to live with even though they appear to be doing very well.
There's a poem that another person wrote and this poem says exactly what I want the world to know about me. Here I will share it with you. I am ... A woman With a full heart, hidden Somewhere in an empty room ... With eyes not quite of autumn's gold, and yet Neither all of summer's green; I wonder ... If love is a tale made for children -- A granting of sweet dreams in their innocence -- A honey-coating to help their throats Choke down the bitter draught ... I hear ... A voice that whispers warnings,
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Interests
Reading, writing, volunteer, a new aquarium hobbiest, my children, poetry, people and places
Reading, writing, volunteer, a new aquarium hobbiest, my children, poetry, people and places
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Journal
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My Story
February 28, 2009 10:13am
The earliest I can remember when I realized I was alive; I was about three years old. I remember sitting on yellowish burlap …
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Hugbook
Hug
Hug
Thanks for the hug! I feel like I'm going under. Pain is such a permenent fixture in my life, it's become like an old friend - if that makes sense. Today is one of those days on which I can't fight pain. I'm sick of trying for the sake of other people.
Hug
Thanks for the hug. How are you today?
Ray of Sunshine
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Hug
Have you been hugged yet today.
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Photos
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Goals
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Support Groups
Close Angina
A little two years ago at the age of 39 I needed to have a stent put in the main artery for it was 95% blocked. However I still suffer with angina when I am emotionally stressed.
Treatments
- Nitroglycerin Working / Worked
- A headache for a few minutes after using the nitro spray.
Close Coronary Heart Disease
I had a stent put in my main artery at 39 years old. It was apparently 95% blocked.
Treatments
- Angioplasty Working / Worked
- The experience went without incident and still no problems.
- Aspirin Working / Worked
- Still taking 81mg everyday. I was told for the rest of my life.
- Lipitor Working / Worked
- Take it every night before bed.
- Plavix Working / Worked
- I was on it for awhile. Then I was taken off of it. I guess it was only for a short period of time.
- Stents Working / Worked
- My last ECG and stress test went well.
- Altace Working / Worked
- I also take 2.5mg once everyday.
Open Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionI have been struggling with depression for 18 years. Having a harder time with it since my mom passed away 6 years ago.
Treatments
- Effexor Working / Worked
- I found this drug helpful for a number of years. However, I feel it isn't working as well as it was lately.
- Meditation Considering
- I am going to a Buddhist retreat during the March break. So I will be giving meditation a try.
- Positive Thinking Working / Worked
- I try real hard but I think and remember too much *STUFF*. I also see what the world is also turning out to be and it hurts and scares me.
- Psychotherapy Working / Worked
- It works while I am going. I believe this may be something that I will need for the rest of my life.
- Trazodone Working / Worked
- Not really sure if it is working but it does help me sleep.
- Wellbutrin Not Working
- Took it and it made me feel worse. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Stopped taking it after a week on it.
- Writing Working / Worked
- I write poetry and journal writing outside of the computer. It was very useful and helpful until recently. Now I can't seem to concentrate long enough or have the want to, to write.
Open Self-Injury
I discovered that cutting was a way of release and better then killing myself.
Treatments
- S.A.F.E. (Self-Abuse Finally Ends) Somewhat Helpful
- It probably would have worked better if I was more dedicated to going to my appointments.
Open Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
Denise64 hasn’t entered any details for this support group.Open Personality Disorders
Denise64 hasn’t entered any details for this support group.Open Pulmonary Embolism
About 18 years ago, not too long after my first child's birth a had this pain under my left rib cage. But after three days the pain seemed to have gotten worse. I went to the emerg because something or someone told me to go. To make a long story short it turned out to be a blood clot that went into my lung. I have the doctor in emerg to thank for his dedication to me as a patient of his during that time and getting to the problem as quickly as he did. I was on blood thinners for six months.
