Journal

I guess it's been a month or more since I was here last.. No internet at the new house yet.. After the holidays I'm going to try to get that done.

Something has been pulling me way down lately... I'm sure it's all the things I think about, but this one thing keeps coming up in my mind..

I hated the town I grew up in. Not so much at the time as I do now. I mean I really hate the plae. I avoid it like the plague. I feel sorry for anyone that has to grow up or live there. When I see people from there, people I went to school with it just makes my stomach turn.. It almost doesn't matter who it is, people that were mean or people that were nice... They all just make my stomach turn.. I don't have any ties to that place... People I was friends with back then have moved away or I've lost touch with.. BUT... I did have several bad experiences there.. Being a girl, a loner, a girl that her parents were too caught up in their lives to notice mine, I guess that made me an easy target for boys and men..

A few years ago is when these memories started coming back.. I mean it wasn't anything I DIDN'T or COULDN'T remember I just kept them to the very back of my mind so that they took up such a small space I really didn't even think about them.. Easy to push back if they surfaced for some reason or another.. But this particular night... I was at my son's football game.. My whole family in fact, was there. My mom, dad, step dad, Aunts, uncles, son's father's family, and extended family.. At one count there were like 20 of us there (my son is VERY lucky to have so many people that care for him).. Well there were also lots of folks from my old SMALL hometown (being it's 12 miles away it's not hard to figure that out).. But this guy sat down in front of us.. Now I can't say for sure if it's one of the boys that caused me some aingst one summer or not.. I can't say for sure.. What I can say is that it sure looked like him. Keep in mind haven't seen this boy since that summer, but I do definately remember what he looks like. Or looked like at that time.. Well I seen this guy and froze. Noone noticed because I'm a wallflower anyway... But I froze, my heart stopped and my stomach leaped right out of my body. It wasn't until he left that seat that I could move and breath normally again.

That affected me pretty badly.. This was while my guy was still locked up or he'd have been there, and I think I wouldn't have froze quite as badly...

Now the last few months all these people have been on my mind.. All the ones who (and I hate to use the word abuse but for lack of a better one it's what I have to use) abused me in the past have been on my mind.. I wonder if they ever think back and I wonder if they do, are they sorry for it... I realize that they probably have never given it a second thought, but I have to wonder...

Today I logged on my facebook account and seen so many of them on people's friend lists that went to school where I did and it just makes me sick.. I see the photos of them with what I assume are their children and wonder if they just ever think about it.. Some of them have little girls and I think there's no way they can't remember what they did at least to think and pray that noone ever does their little girl the way they did me.. But then again, it was a little piece of time in a long ago history and maybe they don't ever remember it.. Maybe I'm the only one who does.. I don't know... All I know is that I can't seem to stop thinking about it lately.. These are memories I'd LOVE to not have...

I know I probably should go to some sort of counseling, but frankly I just don't want to. I don't want to share my life with a stranger, especially those parts of my life. I'm really a very private person and even more-so when it comes to my emotions. Not many people have seen me cry EVER at any age. I've always been tough on the exterior.. It's meant holding a lot in. But that's just my nature.. I guess that's why I'm posting an essay here today.. haha

I just hope none of those people try to add me as a friend, I'll just have to remove my entire account at that point...

What is your take on it?

Well as you probably already know CB is home now.. I couldn't be happier.. Well alright, I could be but can't we all? LOL  His drinking has been minimal as in twice since he's been home.. and he came home on the 17th. And considering he was drinking every single night and getting wasted that's a great improvement. We've sunk back into our "regular" routine of him playing video games while I do something different.. Me cooking all the time... I'm not complaining really not too much anyway... Just wish he'd get some Oomph and help out.. But we'll see.. He isn't working yet.. He called his boss a few days after he got home and worked it out so he could go back after the 1st of the year.. He's on probation but not supervised not being monitored at all.. As long as he gets in zero trouble between now and 2012 he's done with DOC and courts.. I don't know the last time he could say that.. His attorney's receptionist told him he should stick with me, because I really care about him and was working diligently to get him home (I think I called her 20 times in the last month he was locked up) trying to get things done and done right. I'm just really happy to have him home.. Everynight I go to bed he's there next to me. Just the way it should be.

Ok.. Now onto my resolutions.. (This part really is for me to check back and track anywhere I'm starting to fall... keep reading if you want.. LOL)

1. Work out at least 30 minutes a day and aim for an hour 30am and 30pm

2. Walk at the lake if weather permits

3. Eat healthier and watch portion control STOP GOING FOR SECONDS!!!

4. Work on my blanket

5. Keep going through the house and organizing until I think it's done

6. SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE SMILE

7. (which should be 1.) Thank God everyday for the blessings I have in my life and pray that family and friends are able to find the peace I finally am experiencing.

That's it.. No wait one more..

GET GRANNY'S GRAVEMARKER THIS YEAR!!!!

Now I'm done..