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pure surrender 
Well.. I'm gonna look at this as a test. I am now, literally out of food. I ate my last can of ravololis yesterday. If I want to eat before Friday... I'd have to ask Zac if I could share his doggie food. (Which I had to borrow.) He eats a raw meat diet. This dry food stuff is not his normal diet.
What I find interesting... is that I am not freaked out about it. Does that mean ...1) I am a mature, God trusting adult....? or 2) that the Serqouel I am taking REALLY does a good job of flatlining my emotions?
I think it's the Serqouel. However, complete and total trust in my God is a good thing too.
Maybe it's my trust.
oh hell... I don't know. Perhaps I can use these few days as a genuine fasting and prayer time. See what I have to do to be SURE that I am in the center of His will for my life. I am not afriad to die. I AM afraid to die ... and have to stand before God on Judegement Day and answer His questions of what did I do for him while alive? ...WHAT am I going to say? HOW am I going to answer that?
"ummm.. errrr.... uhhhh.... well......" won't go over so well with Him, I am sure. Is my life as good as it gets because I have bipolar? I heard on the board that the longer we wait to get treatment.. the worse it gets. I didn't get help till I was 50. Is this as good as it gets?????????????? Spending all of my energy, what little that is, each day controling my NOT freaking out ... so that I don't become suicidal again?
I read posts where ladies work.. go out... see friends... bbq's with family... and I think: OMGOSH. I can SO not do that anymore. Why? Because I am sicker than I realize? ...or lazier than I'm willing to admit?????????????????????
OMGOD........ MAKE IT STOP
OR... am I just being lazy and really DO have what it takes to 'live" ????
Because.... I "feel" so far outta his will. I feel so alone. I feel so pointless. 
My life is an existance.. a "non-suicide" existance. My goal each day.. is to not be suicidal that day.
It's not a full life at all anymore.
and i'm not too sure that I give a crap, either.
I'm hungry. But could also see this as the beginning of the weight loss journey I need to take. I need to drop 125#. Starting today... I think I'll do just that!!!!
See what it feels like to have a slimmer body. Would I be flatlined still? ..or would I be totally manic??? Would it affect my bipolar at all?
ok.. I'll shut the FUCK up now.
Comments
Do you have friends or family nearby who will help at all? What about assistance organizations? I know very little about Arizona. We have interfaith assistance ministries here in my town, and also Churches who have food closets for people who don't have anything. Please get someone to help you call around to see which Churches or places do this. I couldn't imagine that no one does it.
Yes, you care, or you wouldn't be questioning yourself. This is definitely what it feels like to be out of control, but I keep telling myself and others that the FEELINGS are only TEMPORARY. They CHANGE, thank God. I want to know about you. Keep up with you.
What does our favorite verse from Proverbs say? "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT on your OWN understanding...in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."
Jesus knew we would have days like this. He KNEW. He never promised us a rose garden, but He did promise us PEACE. Remember? Peace I leave with you, He said. MY peace I give unto you. NOT as the world gives, give I unto you."
...that's still not going to feed you, so get with someone and do what I suggested. There's food available, I'm sure, even in Mesa.
Talk to you soon -
tombelinanne