Sakura's Journal

So, I'm in the process of applying to a psychiatric service dog. One of the things the application asks for is an autobiography. This is what I've written (well, one draft anyways).

My happiest memories are of animals. They provide an unconditional love (unless you abuse them), something I have never found in people. Some of the best times of my life have either been interacting with animals or lost in a book. This is part of why I am seeking a service dog to help me rather then continue to rely on therapy and medication. This is partly because I’ve been in therapy since I was 14 and I’ve been on medication since I was 15 almost 16. Also a dog would go with me everywhere, a constant companion, a reminder of the good and innocent in the world. I was so young when I my innocence was ripped away from me I don’t even remember what it was like to be pure and innocent. Therapists and psychiatrists can’t come with you when you move. Psychotherapy and medication have both contributed to my mere survival for this long. But I want a better life for myself. I don’t want to be bound to my parents- to anyone for the rest of my life because I can’t control my fear and anxiety. I’ve always loved animals- when I was about 4 years old I got a very small allowance each week (my big brother had one so I wanted one too). I got three dollars, I had to put one dollar away for long term saving, one dollar was for saving up for something special and the third I could do what I wished with. Well I mailed my single dollar bill to the Humane Society- week after week, month after month. I knew that there were animals in situations like mine- they were being hurt and couldn’t speak up for themselves. I wanted to do anything I could to help. So I did what I could do at 4- mail them the dollar that I got to spend however I wanted. Having animals has saved my life- there were days when I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, but I knew that then there would be no one to take care of my little rescue rodent. I have a pet mouse that I rescued from some mean and down right irresponsible owners. My little Mr. Brook has been a lifeline. Just hearing him scurrying around his cage, making little mouse noises makes my insomnia more bearable. I’ve been involved in the care and play time of all kinds of animals from rodents to birds to cats to dogs to horses to fish. I do everything I can for animals weather its stopping to pet them or giving them a home or taking them to the vet (even though I was only critter-sitting). Now I’m hoping an animal can do something for me. I fought hard to gain independence, to move out of my parents house, to do my own budget, take care of my own space, to be (relatively) self-sufficient. Now that’s been taken away from me. I’m afraid to leave the house alone because I know I don’t always have a good grip on reality. I’m scared that next time I have a black out or get dazed and confused I’ll wander out in to traffic and become road-kill. I’m scared of falling down the stairs again. I’m scared that, because I hallucinate a fair amount, if I tried to live by myself someone could break in and I wouldn’t know because I wouldn’t be able to tell if the sounds etc. were real or just in my head. It is really scary knowing that I can’t always tell the difference between what is in the real world and what exists solely in my head. Half of what a service dog would do for me is provide comfort by simply being there, breathing, giving me something real to touch. The over all pattern has been of things getting worse, not better. Excluding the severe PTSD (which did get less severe) there has been a distinct downward trend to my symptom. Things are way worse now then when I was in middle school and things first got bad. Things are worse since high school when I started seeing a therapist and psychologist regularly. Things are worse then they were when I left for North Carolina in early August of 2008, things are even worse then they were when I moved back to California in early August of 2009. I feel no reason to believe things will get better any time soon. My hope is eventually things stop getting worse and maybe even get a little better. I can’t wait idly for that day though. I know I’m really different then other people my age- I always have been. I’ve never had a real job and I nearly flunked out of college. I couldn’t even handle a light load at a community college. I dropped out two weeks in to the semester. I know a service dog will not be a panacea. I just want to be able to have a life- to get around to my appointments with out relying on my parents. I don’t have a driver’s license and perhaps never will- it wouldn’t be safe. But I spent my senior year of high school getting around by bus, light-rail and commuter trains. Every time I do that now I get lost: I can’t find the bus stop, I miss my station, I’m so afraid of missing my stop I get off too early, etc. etc. etc. It used to take me about an hour to get most places; it now takes me three hours. I know a dog wouldn’t be able to help me get off at the right stop, but I believe a service dog would help keep my anxiety from escalating to full blown panic when I do get lost. I have faced hardship all my life, I've had far too many days when I didn't want to get out of bed or couldn't fall asleep at night. I've had more then my share of fear and anxiety. All I want is a chance to have a real life.