StrangeButFriendly's Journal

It was my own fault procrastinating, but I just wanted to say, rest in painless wonderful sleep to my Aunt Linda, who has been fighting a rare auto-immmune disease and cancer (various from ovarian that spread through out her body) after 3-4 yeras of battling head on, and never giving up.

I could complain how I feel, sick, lack of sleep, eyes red and heart broken, the massive stress off of my test and lab, but nothing compares to what my family has been through.  My Uncle Richard passed away late April, and I am still missing him, it feels like he hs just gone on a trip somehwere and he'll be home eventaully.  I lost a great aunt who I never knew, or never met, due to family strifes, but don't think it didn't hurt me to see my Pop burying his younger sister.  My grandfather also had to bury his son this August from kidney and artery and other problems.  My grandfather is now burrying his daughter at age 87.  I guess why I am not in a state of "horrible" yet is b/c I am not home to experiene that emptiness, it is nto fully aware to me, but I take comfort in knowing she isn't suffering from a horrible sickness and disease.

My aunt Linda NEVER gave up, even when she was down and out and chances were bleak, she did fight to the end!!!  I know maybe a lot of people say it, btu no one has fought like her, struggeling, and even accepting her immanent future.  It broke my heart when she was in ICU one time due to the auto-immune attck on her muscles, rendering her unable to breath on her own or even hit teh nurse call button.  All she wanted then was be able to be home, sit in her chair and read her newspaper.  And she made it back from the brink of no hope and death several times through this torment, this nightmare of sickness.

She was always positive, yes there were times when she was done, she even delt with one of her son's breaking out, lashing out at her, "Why don't you just give up and die!" because he was so distruaght from losing his father just a few months before (her husband).

God, the family must be crushed, my poor mother, her oldest sister, the one she looked up to as her mother figure after their mom passed away from cancer in her 40s.  Grandma Bryda said (my mom's grandmother, her mom's mom) ," Mary, it should be me in there instead of you."

She passed this morning around 4 am.  At 4 am, i was awake, doing my homework, almost tirelessly, making sure to get my lab done.  i think I did good on my test too.  After I got the news, when I was walking to Sadler to go eat, I heard a hawk screach, but I didn't see it.  It reminded me of my Uncle RIchard, the day I saw him, the day I saw the red tailed hawk that I knew was him.  I saw him twice, if not more, but i saw him twice when I was home.  I remember walking my dog down North Rd, and under teh powerlines there is always a hawk to been seen, but this one was so close and overhead, I remember looking up and just crying.  I knew.

 I hate what cancer does, I hate death, I accaept it, but so close to home, it is hard for me to fathom and it crushes me.  These things destroy me b/c yes, it does interrupt my life, my order, of everything I knew and I could count on.  My aunt and uncle were MORE than a aunt and uncle, they were like second parents, like close grandparents, and when I have kids, I want that special bond, I want them to have relatives so close like that.

I am so sick and tired now, but I wanted to get that out there.  I will shower, nap, get my present from Katie's, and hope to see Seraphim.  I knwo I am sick and I wont magically get better, but it doesn't mean I can't make an interacction.

My finger has a piece of bone pulled off from teh underside of my finger b/c my ligament or wahatever pulled it off from teh bone, but it will be fine.  The lady after gviing me tons of paperwork crap about insurance asked after my appointment, "Are you sick?"  Once I explained about my all nighte,r being sick, the test and lab and my aunt's death she seemed to soften up, I do looked ragged.

It also snowed today, err this morning, I send a text pic to my bros, lil Richie and my aunt Tina.  That is when I found out she passed away.  I was crying in Illick, and I was suprised when a person came up and asked if I was ok.  He sat down next to me, it was Prof. Horton my ecology teacher, he said if I needed a quiet place or someone to talk to, his office door was open.  i thanked him but I didn't go and assured him I would be fine.  Iwas nto only touched by his compasion, but when he spoke after I mentioned my aunt's passing i coudl hear the tears in his own voice, quaking.  It comforted me, knowing that there are people who do understand and care, and can relate.

Now it is time for shower and nap.  I love you aunt Linda, I will miss you with all of my heart, but I can be at ease knowing you aren't sick anymore XOXOXOXOOXXOXOXOXO to the woman who would bend over backwards to get you the moon.