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dm9265 
I got the results from Barium Test. It said "no abnormality of the colon is seen". At least that's good news. I I don't understand why my ca125 went up to 18 from 4. I am always under 10. I still have a pain in my lower back that we can't explain yet. It almost feels like a pulled muscle or kidney stone? who knows. the waiting is awful. my husband emailed my doctor at dana farber with info. if I have to, I will fly up there right away. maybe she can put me on the parp inhibitor since it has worked with other BRCA patients. I'll try anything. I am not ready to give up!
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I wish you so much peace at the moment....Fantastic news about your colon....I know it was a major worry for you a few days ago...I am pretty much certain that stress has been a major player in the saga of my illness. It's a tough one to take control of when facing this sort of thing. It can carry you away to where everything appears bad...when it isn't. It's as though we get so focused on the problem that we forget to notice the good things happening around us, until we forget that they even exist, or they appear unimportant and insignificant, which they definitely are not. I think you are a fantastic fighter and you've been battling for so long now....that I can't help but to wish you some comfort, relaxation, pleasure, enjoyment and sheer unadulterated self-indulgence. It would only make you strong again...
I'm here for you always and all the way. Lots of love xxxxxx
Halli
Thanks so much for your care and concern. I am so much trying to stay positive. I keep telling my husban.that that i'm dying. he hates when i say that but i think that's how i'm feeling. my sister is coming to visit me for a few days so I will definately be positive around her. I have to hide how i really feel as i don't want her to worry too. I had my pet scan today. 3 hours in that place! i should get results in a few days. the waiting is horrible!
dm9265
How can those that love you, help you to cope if they don't know how bad you feel. Perhaps if your sister knew she could arrange some fun and/or relaxing things you could do together. I know how hard it is to turn things around when you've been so down, but just doing very small things sets you on the right path and then it gets easier as you build on it. I'm dashing about for work at the moment but I will be back later today and I'm so glad that you are able to share your feelings here. We'll talk later..lots of love to you. xxxxxx
Halli