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rutowsle 
I'm barely ever on here anymore, I don't know if its a good or bad thing. I'm getting married in August and am very happy about that but we had to move back home for financial reasons and its getting to both of us. I have a job through my brother and sister in law but he hasn't found work up here and is depressed enough its not really a priority. I'm supporting us both which isn't a big deal since he doesn't have any bills except our phone and we're living rent free. I'm so frustrated doing it on my own because I have little money for fun things and he's so bored. I can't entertain him and do school and on-call shit at the same time. This place brings me down so much, too many bad memories. I loved the idea of reconnecting with my family but I'm so busy I don't even get to do that. Working for my brother brings so many more responsiblities because ensuring his success helps my family but it causes me to neglet Brian. I'm feeling the edges of depression and part of it is this area, part of it is the stress I'm putting on myself. School isn't going very well either because I neglect that to make sure that he is taken care of and he isn't getting too depressed. He has one opportunity to get a job with his uncle and he had made no effort to get it. I'm angry that I'm the only one making any effort right now but I can understand how much he hates it here too. I know its my fault for bringing us back here but my grandpa died in June and I couldn't find work where we were living. My finances dictate what type of income I need and I needed an income. I just feel really alone right now and our relationship is suffering being here. Our goal is to move back to Sioux Falls after the wedding which is where we have been the happiest. Its away from the stresses of home and its an economically stable area. I just keep looking towards the future and hoping it will get better. I love my family but I hate this place and the memories it holds. Sioux Falls was such a great escape for me and I didn't have to deal with the daily stresses of my family and the reality of how depressing it is to be in their world. I don't want to completely disconnect from them but I can't help but put my own mental health first. I spent so long being depressed and suicidal that I just don't want to tip it the wrong way. I did really well after Grandpa died, suprisingly, and I just can't deal with everything that comes with it. Being 6 hours away was so nice because the realities that were so hard for everyone else seemed like distant dreams for me. I know its selfish but it got me through. I just want all this to be a dream again. I get farther and farther away from wanting to get married here even though I am so deep into the planning. So many parts of it are so fun and involved... I love the idea I just hate the reality of being here until it happens. I'm selfish I know and it makes me feel like a bad person......................
