AlishaB's Journal

Due to the smoke I just could not get my brain in gear I would just stare at web pages and book pages and think. . . nothing.

I live in Northern CA.  In the thick of the smoke.  It looks like a white cloud outside and the sun is raspberry red.  It looks like the end of the world is coming.

Still, it could be worse.

An update of the past week's events:

Sat 6/21:  Cathe Friedrich Basic Step dvd, did it twice.  total of 57 min and 52 in my THR.  

Sun. 6/22: Weird dreams.  Like I had called Accio my Violin and it flew into my hands.  Normal day at home doing chores and hanging out with my mom.   Day off.

Mon 6/23: Walk/jog to front gate.  The smoke started to come in.  It was cut short by some mean dogs.  :40 total :25 in thr 173 top. only 433 calories burned.  And did 10 minutes of an ab tape.  And ran up an extra hill and hurt my ass.  I could not barely walk for two days.

Tuesday 6/24: Spent in bed with hurt butt.  Having nasty anxiety nightmare like flashbacks about when I dropped baby julia.  Don't worry it was only a couple of inches she was fine but I felt horrible.   She is not my child but I was responsible for her and I thought she would be ok and catch herself but she didn't.  She usually did but I feel like I dropped her out of anger and that is something I just have to learn to forget.  And its probably just my smoky air that is clouding my ability to concentrate and just whatever has ever bothered me in the past is what plays back in my head.

One thing I wrote in my hand written journal that day : I don't want to be embarassed by who I am and the only way I know to aviod it is to stary very isolated becaue I hurt so bad I feel like it could bubble up at anytime.

See, very much an anxiety day.

Wed 6/25: Went into town for a committee meeting at the capitol.  Walked down the stairs.  did not attempt a high intensity workout butt still hurts. Did my Leslie Sansone dvd.  Raised my heart rate but not really a challenge.  I just didn't want too many days this week off because of my tough monday run.

Thursday 6/26: Cathe Basic Step again did it twice to get the amount of time I need.  :58 in my THR though so that is a good thing.  Working it ya' know.  Did a lot of chores and studied my legal ease.  Worked out some time with the IT dept.

Cut my finger in the kitchen with the serrated part of the saran wrap box.  Bled all over the place for a while.  My blood is a little bit thinner.  Also, I've been getting dizzy when I stand up a lot lately.  I think I need to lower my fish oil dosage.

Friday 6/27:  Can't workout outside.  Did my Buns of Steel Fat Burner tape.  Just 30 minutes and 21 in my THR.  But it was at the upper end of my range and I sweat a lot as well as really got into it towards the middle of the workout.   Maybe I should have done more.  Still, my shins were talking to me and I thought why push it?  I workout a lot so I don't think I'm behind in the cardio dept.  

I'm planning on doing more of the same next week.

My intent normally is to run MWF and do step T/TH/Sat.  But with the smoke I'm confined indoors.  So, I will have to resort to my non-step tapes.

The good ones are: Kathy Smith, Buns of Steel, Rhythmic Dance, Kick It (kick boxing,) The only thing is I have to double up on those because they are only about 30 minutes long (except for the Kathy one is 40.)  

As far as my business goes I did create my video check list which had been hanging over my head.  I'm really happy with that.

The things still on that list are:

1. Brochure I've recruited help for this 

2. Mailing list And this too.

3. Cold calls Phone book.  I need to write the script for it.

4. Call Nancy I've written the script for this.  Its an important call and I hope that this contact proves as fruitful as I think it will be.  I need to just do stuff and not stress about it.

I still need to study more, the legal ease is not easy for me.  And I get distracted easily or I used to.  I think that will pass as I work on being more focused as a goal in and of itself.   

In general things look good.

As far as I can tell I have very little between me and financial success.  Just my own sense of how well I know my stuff and my ability to sell that to people who need or want to purchase my service.

Wish me lots of success and confidence, that is what I need.

I've written out wish lists in my journal.  And you know what is in them.  Very little really lol.

But I will do it again because I'm limiting my DS entries to once a week:

1. Financially independent

2. An apt of my own.  

3. A gym membership.  That would be so cool!!!

4. Four day work week.  I charge well so if I have this I will have the first three wishes.

5. Maybe a new car or just some work on my old one. I almost had to give her up and I don't know if I'm ready.  I've been with my old T-bird for 11 years.  We have been through a lot together.  I know she is an inanimate object but I've always felt safe with her.  Go figure.

6. Small material things: standing hair dryer.  How awesome would that be?  

7. Laser hair removal for everywhere. 

8. The skin under my arms removed.

9. Once I'm svelte I may have my chest done too.  

In all, not too expensive when I really look at it.  I just need some faith, know how and well paying clients.

Hugs everybody, I love all of you!!!!! 

My middle finger is a bloody mess.  It ain't easy typing.  I hope you appreciate this.

I'm still celibate btw.  My sexuality is still way up in the air.  And I still have no faith in love for myself.  I just feel too old.  But hey you knew that right?