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sarisara 
11:31pm, November 13, 2009
ok so i was feeling better earlier but now i feel i took 10 steps back and i cant see any thing. i really want vicodin i havent felt like i needed it for a while not like this i just dont want to feel this way i need out and n0w. i tried getting my dad to take some drugs i had hidden but he just left them lay on the ground so i picked them up and hide them in my room again so if i take the plung ill have them. i want to send a fuck you text to every one i know and tell them that if i die its thier fault and i hope they are comforted by that. damn that sound so nice a final fuck off mother fuckers before i go. i bet no one would come to my funal after that but thats fine by me. even my bf isnt talking to be about 3hrs ago he said i text you in a bit i havent talked to him sense tuesday and that was online and im supos to answer my phone every time he calls even when im at work. but when i call he never answers or does and says im on the other line like i was supos to know that. honestly i just want to curl up and die with my music blareing. i dont understand how i can go from feeling good to wanting to die i dont even want to take my meds because hopefully it will put me over the top and i will send that text and take the pills and i dont want to hear from any one right now that its a bad idea or even im sorry for you because we both know it total bull shit and i dont want to hear it last night i wanted some vicodin but instead i settled for some liquor but that never lasts as long and now today im out of liquor iv got one beer and one hard icetea left in the house. I atleast want whisky but im sure the liquor store is closed so fuck me. fuck fuck fuck i thought this would fucking help but it hasnt i still feel like the worst iv been in over a month. but the difference between then and now was then i wanted to go to the hospital before i did something now i dont give a flying fuck im DONE.maybe ill flip a coin and heads i take the plung and tails i drink till im wasted
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YOU WILL OVERCOME THIS! You cannot quit! You must not!!
Please please go get help. I have been there, truly I have. I remember when there was no light at the end of the tunnel and when it was a little bity one. The more you go off and on meds, and not sleep is not good even if you did not have Dystonia. I have been there too.
Let me tell you how I know how you sound like your feeling. I have been there. I was there once after the birth of my second child and there a year later to when I felt every thing you are voicing above. I also lost my voice for 2 yrs because of it, literally. It took alot of meds that had I not taken them wouldn't be here this moment for you. I had 2 beautiful pre-schoolers. I remember even calling the suicide hotline and saying 'this is how I feel, this is what I am going to do etc.' I was cocky and just wanted the internal pain to end. As a child I lost my father to suicide. I knew what my kids might feel if I chose or considered that path. I also new, my husband would leave me, and we divorce and sadly for the kids, we did. When I called that hotline I told them 'if I go in the hospital, my husband would divorce me and that would hurt more then being a quitter and taking my life. Obviously, I did something so let me beg even, if you see a light, then honey, run for help. Call now! Get to a doctor who can control your meds, give you clarity and concentrate on you! You are not going to quit, you hear me. You one day will see a young lady like your mirror be it the age, circumstances, or whatever and YOU can reach you and understand her. God has plans for your life. HE is always there. He made you, don't you dare quit. See what He has planned for you. He can take the anger, He can take the broken and make His light shine in you...I am praying for you even this moment.
I believe in you! And I can't wait to see what the Lord can do in your life. Do you know that diamonds were once coal that has alot of pressure on them and the reason for pearls is the tiny bit of sand that irrates it enough to create that pearl. Please call for help!
DeannaC7