Journal

I am the very heaviest ever in my whole life, UGH, I have been exercising, and  trying to do better. I am discouraged on one hand, yet I keep getting back on that horse...just feeling it more this time. However, some of the stressors in my life have taken on an immediate improvement, so maybe that will help me waqnt to binge less...I need support!!

Today I feel a bit flat, sensitive to criticism, and low self esteem. I have been binging, and weight is coming on fast...I think I will stop when I rech a certain weight, a personal hitting bottum if you will, then I go over that and get depressed this is the heaviest I have EVER been in my life. I also take meds for bi-polar and feel that sometimes the meds have somethinng to do with it, and I feel stuck...gooff meds and risk decompensating mentally, yet feel better physically. I make attempts at eating healthier, then sabatoge my efforts... I alternate between feeling I don't care and let go of self care, then trying one more day at a time. I feel stuck, in a rut.

Today was interesting. Had to get another series of shots for my knee.They always hurt, and I did better by taking zanax and a pain med one hour before the procedure, it went better.  i felt the doctor was treating me ina realitively paternizing way, like it "shouldn't hurt." Whatever, i still ask to get my  (kneeds) met lol... I brought my own ice pack causeZ I get nauseous and "woozy" and cold cloth on forehead makes me feel better. I also called my hotline, to talk about the anxiety before I went. I  felt like someone was :holding my hand" psychologically and it helped and I was grateful.I am glad I am a good self advocate for all of my medical stuff, including my mental health. I still have alot to do to get healthier. I binge on sugar alot when I am not slowing down to eat, and also do it when I am depressed or axnious. UGH I used to self medicate or completely self sabotoge, feel suicidaL, TAKE NON-rx DRUGS, PARTY, DRINK, ETC..NOW i "only do" caffeine sugar and my meds. I have been sober for many years. sooooo any how I work as a therapist now. working witgh clients like me who struggle with being dually diagnosed. Today i had a busy day, and I really felt like I mnanaged my time and stress well.delegated better, didn't feel crazily rushed. A bit manicky as far as beiing talkative, but really that's all. Only ONE problem, had a great day, productive, emotional group therapy exercise that I lead, everyone really grew closer, thern came home and felt crticized by my husband, and it all seemed to go out the window, I snapped, raised my voice and felt the energy go through my body. I had to calm down after awhile  and I aplogixed for snapping. I hate it when he is critical, didn't really want to hear about my day, then said Hello..after being out all day, then telling me "YOu need to do this__________, you ned to do that_________. I was tired and I was mad, I don't like it when someone tells me what I need to do, rather, ask me "What do you think about this...have you ever considered_________ANYWAYS i AM BACK TO NORMAL, BUT I rarely snap, when I do, it can scare me. Anyways better now...Peace....MM