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lolly 
6:20pm Yesterday
The past few week's can only be discribed as Torture .ive been down ever since i got out of hospital back in july but recently it has got a lot worse before i was just a bit down because of what i went through but now i think it's escalating into full blown Depression as i'm finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the morning i literally have to pull myself up. The ONLY thing that make's me actually WANT to get up is the fact i have a Fiance to go and see but i'm not complaining because i don't know what i would do without him. I have the world's shortest temper especially when i have a headache which recently has been more days than not and i seem to take it out on him and i don't know why it's SO upsetting but once i start i can't seem to stop and it's not fair on him because he has helped me through SO much lately i love him SOOOOO much also some people on DS. i love you Feesh..sisters in spirit ALWAY'S.
i'm also always close to tears the slightest thing can and will set me off. i'm SO annoyed with all this and myself because people urge me to "open up" and talk to them but i can't even talk to my Pyschiatrist let alone people who love me.
i have also recently become addicted to my Dihydrocodiene(30mg) painkillers been taking them for years to help with Chronic headache's and as a muscle relaxant i used to take 2 as and when required and they took the headache away completely but now i have had to increase the amount to 4 daily plus sometimes 2 Tramadol(50mg) to just relieve the pain however when i don't take the codiene i've noticed that i feel very sick untill i take the required amount and it's scary because i can't keep increasing when the 4 stop working and i don't wanna tell my doctor because then he will try and take me off them and thier the ONLY painkiller that work completely.
Venting done for now thank's to all that have taken the time to read this comments and advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Laura,
You need to take things one step at a time. As someone who is so emotional close to you, although thousands of miles and oceans separate us, I had no idea about your addiction until recently. I've thought about you and gotten updates in the roughest of times. I've chatted with your mom and Euan on here. While not live via, hugs, messages and journal enteries. Now that you know that you do have this addiction all I can do is support you as I have in the past. However, I will also continue to stress the fact that you need to open to up to your family and doctors. Euan has made the ultimate life long commitment to you. You two are going to become one person, one unit, one being. Two pieces coming together to form one combination, much like it will be when you become parents in a long time. Wherever one is the other is close behind. When ever one is down the other brings them up. However, you can't take the next steps in life if your past is still your present. What? You need to deal with the cards you've been dealt and come up with a solution to these problems. You can't keep living like this and I'll be damned if I watch another friend spiril downhill and can't do anything about it. You know I can't do anything about you. That's why I can't stress enough that you need to gain the strength and courage to overcome these issues. Take baby steps, but work towards solutions. I know you can do it. God wouldn't have allowed you to go to hell and back, all those times. Only to let an addiction bring you home to him. You know you can fight and win so do it. I'm always here for you and I'll always love you, now and forever!
feesh19872005
first, as someone who has suffered depression off and on for a long time. It is deflating. You want to do things, feel better, get up and out but its very difficult. I agree with feesh, you need to open up and let those close to you help. Your therapist would be good, do you not feel safe with him/her? Might be why you can vent/be angry around your fiance, you feel safe with him. Sounds like your life is full of joyful upcoming events ( a wedding!!). Very stressful in and of itself.. the addiction problem only complicates. There are so many medications out now, it might not be a bad idea for your md to change the medication. I do feel he needs to know. Long term codeine can cause a host of problems.. and it does not help with the depression, or your thoughts about "addictions" which could all lead to stress headaches.. You seem like a strong young lady, have faith and believe in yourself.. you can do what ever you put your mind to, a life long journey starts with a single step.. even just a baby one.. Be strong, love yourself,perceived imperfections and all. You are worth it
tryn2bhappy
I'm commenting again because Georgette brought up a several good points. One of which I wanted to comment on, "Sounds like your life is full of joyful upcoming events(a wedding!!)." After Euan proposed, you were on such a high for awhile. We were looking at dresses together, talking out your bachlorette party, and disgussing how you'd have my dress made. Since then you've fallen into a deep depression. You've gone to a place that I can honestly say I've never seen you. A place that's dark and filled with saddness. Instead of one with pink limos and dresses and Celine Dion songs playing at a comfortable volume. I know you're scared, I can see the fear, I know you're having second thoughts because you've been having them for months. Since before Euan popped the question. But, you're so much stronger than all of it. Come on Lolly you've been to hell and back, so many times. If it was meant for you to stay there you would be. But, no you've been given the chance to come into the positive lights of life. Use it, embrace it, run with it. I used to tell Doll all the time take my hand and I'll carry you through this, whatever it was at the time. With you I can and will do the same thing. Granted the circumstances are different but, I can work with it. I know Euan loves you more than life itself. I felt it when he'd send me those hugs giving updates on your condition. Let him love you, let him be your soft place to fall. Ya know when you two love birds jump into each other's arms like two sex crazed teenagers who can't wait to hop in the sack? You know damn well what I mean Miss. Devil, opps I'm sorry Mrs. Innocent. Do the same thing when you need to vent or break down. Trust him with every fiber of your being. At some point you're going to really need to open up. Start slowly you don't have to do it all at once. But, you do have to start somewhere. Baby steps, a little at time. In time he'll know everything that I do. Or almost everything, as sissies we have our secrets. I love you guys.Hugs and Kisses to Mr and Mrs. Euan and Laura Conway and however many nieces and nephews the future holds for me. But don't rush into that last part!!!
feesh19872005