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pneylan 
3:10pm, October 21, 2009
Seem to have hit a bit of a wall recently and drifted back into feeling more depressed once again. I know those feelings are never far away but I had begun to feel I was slowly getting more and more used to this “new normal” life I now have. I suppose it’s that time of the year again. Pam was a school teacher and I used to save up a lot of my leave and we’d have a long break together and a family holiday. With the kids grown up now this would have been the time we would have been having vacations together again on our own. We had so many plans, so many places we were going to go and so many things we were going to do together. Next week it’s my birthday and our anniversary on the same day. We would have been married for 32 years. Pam used to joke that I would never have an excuse to forget out anniversary! It’s hard to believe this is the third anniversary since she died. Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing less and less and sinking into some self-pitying and negative thinking again. However, over the last few days a number of friends here on DS have been in touch having noticed I’d not been on here much and not been in touch. I found this very touching and heartwarming and it has made such a difference in alleviating the isolation and sense of loneliness. It has helped me try to see things in a wider perspective. I have much to be thankful for. I have my health, a secure job, reasonable financial security and two great kids who are now young adults and making their way in life. I know from contact with others here that many people have health, family or financial difficulties and in comparison I have much to be thankful for. The sense of loss and feeling alone is always there and I suppose that will always be the case but I know I have to try to be as optimistic as possible and realize that my future is in my hands. It’s not the future I planned or the one I want really but it’s what I’ve got and in the end we have no choice in these matters. I still find it difficult to make some sense of the future and my place in the world now but I try not to become too anxious about the future and trust it will take care of itself.I do thank all my friends here for all your support and comfort. The connection with people who truly understand this journey makes such a difference, especially on those days when things seem to get overwhelming again. Inevitably, I’ll get through next week. The days come and the days go and hopefully there will be some happiness along the way. Thanks again to all my friends here and I wish you as much happiness as possible in the days to come.
Comments
I will always keep track of my good friends who have been instrumental in helping me through this journey we are on and always be on. I will be thinking of you as each day passes as I have some tough ones coming up soon too. As far as the future...who knows what it will be but we have already experienced something so devastating it makes me wonder how we are all still standing. Yet here we are. I am grateful for all my DS friends. They may never know how very much the have helped and continue to help me along the way. You are a wonderful person and my wish is you find some peace and happiness in the coming days and hold on to them with everything that you have. HUGS...and more HUGS.
dnola99
You said it all...I could have written your words myself. I am especially sad and teary today. Alicia's 30th birthday would have been Sat Aug 1. So hard having her angel date and her birthday so close together. No, would have never chosen this life. I simply do not want to be here anymore. I do try. But my sadness is overwhelming. Sending you a big hug! You are not alone...we are all right here next to you. Hugs! Lana
LanaG
You said it...thank heavens we have each other to lean on. No one else seems to understand and they most certainly do not want to know. When they ask "How are you doing", they only want one answer "Fine thanks". Take care Patrick and know I am thinking of you through the next difficult week. Our anniversary and Joe's birthday are this coming month also....we were married 38 yrs and this is also the 3rd without him.
This getting to know ourselves again is an interesting journey, right?
Hugs
Sel
nannysel
Hi Patrick, Sorry to hear you've been in a valley of sorrow lately. You're not alone, my friend, we all have to climb those hills and slide down to the valley. I'm sure this summer weather and school's closing makes it more acute that Pam isn't here to spend time together. No magic words to give you peace, just know that I care and wish you well. Sharon
Shrn
I check in regularly with my friends here. You have been such a tremendous comfort on days I thought maybe I just couldn't keep doing this any longer. I hope you know I would always be here to lift you up when you are down too. Those days just creep in now and again but with all this support here they don't hang around for so long. Big Hugs!!! You do have blessings we all do to a different degree but that doesn't take away the sadness we feel.
GoneForever
Patrick, I understand how you feel with your birthday and anniversary date pending. You are right about the emptiness and lonely feelings get us down just when we thought we are getting use to our new lives. I still struggle with the same feelings every day. Sometimes we just feel our loss more than other days.
You have been a very good friend to me over the past few years. I look forward to you messages, comments on my journals and your journals. I feel a connection to you because we have been going through this journey together from the start. Know that I will be keeping you close to my heart as you go through another milestone on this journey. I will be praying that you feel some sense of peace as the day approaches.
Be good to yourself and take care of you!
cagirl69
We'll always be here for you, Patrick. None of us would have made it through the darkness without our friends here on DS. You have always shared your sorrow and your comments have given us a reason to go on. I hope you made it through the week and are on the upswing of the roller coaster. Take care of yourself!
KateS