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pneylan 
3:10pm, October 21, 2009
Just lately my thoughts seem to be turning more and more to the future. It is something I’ve tried to avoid so far. The future is not the one we had planned nor the one I particularly want but as the time goes by I do realise the only person who can shape my future is me. The only problem is I really don’t know what to make of the future. Sometimes I feel like just packing everything in and starting again somewhere completely new. I do know that’s not actually going to happen though. My son has one more year to do at university and I need to keep working to get him through that last year and as we all know the bills keep on coming in. I have also learned that no matter where you go the memories and the feelings go with you. All that changes is the view out of the window. Things continue to carry on pretty much the same. The days come and the days go and I continue to try to get more and more used to this new life. I seemed to have hit one of those periods of feeling very low again. I’m not sure if there is a particular reason or not. This time of year always used to be one of anticipation. Pam was a school teacher and with only a few weeks to go here before schools finish for their summer break we would be looking forward to our summer together. I used to save a lot of my annual leave to take three to four weeks off with her. With the kids now grown up this time was to be ours again and I’m sure we would have been looking forward to going somewhere together for our vacation. That future we had planned is gone now and I’m just not sure what to put in its place. I try to appreciate what I have in life and I know I am more fortunate than many. I have two great kids who are now making their own way in life. I have a good job that keeps me busy and gives me some financial security. I can afford to travel and live a fairly comfortable life. However, every thing I do and everywhere I go, I tend to look at and think what it would be like with Pam or what she would have thought. That sense of being alone in life remains very acute and is something I can’t seem to shake off. I still come to DS most days but don’t engage as much as I used to. Most people who I met here when I first joined over two years ago now no longer come her. There seems to be an ever decreasing group of us who have been here that long. I tend not to respond to discussion posts as I used to as most of them are from people fairly new to the site and I almost feel like I’m intruding on their grief. I remember only too well how I felt at the same stage – that raw pain of grief. I also remember feeling that in a strange way I didn’t really want to feel any better as that pain, that grief, was the only link I had left to Pam and if it lessened I would be losing that contact with her. I’m not sure people at that stage of grieving really want to hear that things do change. I do wonder why I’m still here when most people do seemed to have “moved on”. I know we’re all different but I wonder whether I should be making more of an effort to shape a new life for myself. However, I’ve no idea what that new life should be. I know many others have moved into new relationships and I am genuinely pleased for them but I also do know that that’s not for me. I suppose until I find some answers I’ll just have to keep getting through the days as they come. The travel plans give me some focus for the future and I’ll carry on with those. Next trip is to San Francisco at the end of August. I know I’m lucky to be able to travel and I’m thankful it gives me something to focus on in the future. I suppose in the end the problem is that it's hard to get a life if your heart's not in it. Maybe tomorrow.
Comments
Patrick, I understand on so well what you are saying. Perhaps I am one of the oldies here that 'moved on', but not really. The feelings you descibe are still with me. Yes, I am not crying all the time or laying on the couch wishing beyond hope that this is a bad dream.
I, like you, have faced the reality that my life will never be the same, or the way we had planned. The only encouraging word I can say is it is my life, not our life. As my life, it is under my control what to do with it. For now I am using it to try to help those who are still in the raw stages of grief. I understand so well the pain they are feeling, that I hope I can support them and give them strength. It helps me, probably more than them, to respond to their suffering and makes me feel worthwhile.
It it the life I had planned, no, but as they say, you have to play the hand you're dealt. You've been a large part of my healing in the beginnng of my grief and I'm glad you're still here hanging in with me.
I'm sorry we both have had to go through this horrible ordeal. Sharon
Shrn
I was here about the same time you were. I so understand what you are saying. My feelings go from flat to intense still. For the most part I don't feel like I understand myself at all. Hope you have a great trip to CA. Hugs, Cathy
csee
Patrick, You are always so thoughtful when writing on my journal. I tend to look forward to your thoughts as they mirror mine pretty much. Your life now is to find happiness within yourself. Be it a vacation somewhere a walk in the woods or a pint at the pub. Our hearts have the capaticy to let us enjoy so much even if they are broken.
I have rough patches also like last weekend. But mostly I have no idea what my future is or where I will be but I find myself feeling like I am in a long flowing dress holding a scarf letting the wind blow and guide me to my next day.
After my last post I read what I wrote and realized that I let his family hurt me. I decided not to let words hurt me from that family and start new.
I hope that you find peace today and can wake and be happy and positive looking forward to your next vacation.
Barb
cagirl69
People have moved on from here I sometimes wish I could but I feel like the friends here are family and I feel safe with all of you! I hope you enjoy your trip. Maybe we will never get used to being alone but you are going forward just the same and I admire your strength. The new people coming on could use your wisdom from living through this. Hugs!!!
GoneForever
I came onto your site to send you a hug and thank you for the lovely words you said on my journal. Then I read yours. You and I seem to be in the same place right now. For the most part, we are both in bottom part of our roller coasters. You are right when you said that wherever we go or however we try to change, the longing and lonliness go with us. I too cannot think of another relationship. I look at those that are "moving on" and am in awe because I don't even know how to think of being in another relationship.
I am happy you are going to San Francisco. I have always wanted to go there. I have been to San Diego and it is absolutely beautiful. I am planning a trip to see relatives in Las Vegas but not til Thanksgiving. Still I am looking forward to it.
Thanks again for all your support. I wish us both peace and calm in our future.
Take care, Kathy
KateS
Patrick
I am slow to respond as my brain is in neutral. I seem to feel nothing at the moment.
You are right in your analysis that grief keeps you attached to Pam. But, remember that your many memories will never disappear. Your life together lives on in those memories. That is your true connection to Pam.
Like you, I too have considered starting a new life but have realized that the life I lead now IS my new life. It is not ideal, it has no love interests and, with Joanne and Dustin here, it is much as it was when I had my own babies 30 years ago...but it IS my new life.
And you , with your new travels, also have a new life. It may be lonely at times but you are functioning and trying new things. You ARE going to be all right
San Francisco? Way to go. What great city.
Hugs
Sel
nannysel
Dear Patrick -I used to echo certain of your sentiments.. I continually used to think of escaping my life.. I felt like I was trapped in something I did not want to be in-Everywhere I look I still have memories of Michael..but running away will not change that... happiness comes from within us.. and no matter where we are we have to dig deep within ourselves to find what makes us happy.To find meaning in life we have to find a way to stop existing, and to really live life.. I do not agree with you when you say that you do not enter discussion topics -People are not asking for advice they are merely wanting the support of people who have been there.. You are in a wonderful position to be able to assist people on this site with your kindness and your wisdom.I personally have been helped by you...The way to overcome grief, is to help others less fortunate..It is in doing things that do not focus on ourselves that bring meaning to our lives.. Pay tribute to your wife, by doing something for someone else in her memory... Radiate the love that you and your wife shared...it will never compensate entirely.. but it will give you a new lease on life, when you can make a positive difference in someone's life.. You more than anyone has the ability to help people on this site..Hugs Janine
Jaynine
Patrick, you say it so well. I feel like I am in a tunnel, myself. I still come here alot, just feel so hollow, have moved on, do my day to day things, like someone says, don't cry so much, even tried going out with friends, not ready to do that stuff yet! Like you am trying to figure out my life. Still working (thank-God) that seems to be my salvation. You have been my friend for quite sometime and I thank you! I hope someday good things will happen for you, love June
boobear1