ozangel's Journal

I am hurting, burning and aching all over - headache, lymph glads sore, muscles cramping -  uuurrrrgghh. Been back at work for a month now, oh the joy of having some money and so timely as my younger daughter has needed financial help setting up for university. But at what price?

When I feel like this and I am looking after someone who is critically ill and I push through my pain barrier it is empowering in one way (is it stupid in another?).  I get a lot from my job though, from the fun with my colleagues, the enriching experience when you meet brave people fighting death and seeing the positive results of our interventions. I have been asked to step up and work as a Nurse Educator in the Heart & Lung Transplant Unit, no shift hours, no weekend work anymore - I have taken the steps to apply for the role and now it is in the lap of the gods.

Now I must go into confidence building for myself.  A probelm exists with my relationship. Russ and I just don't seem to get on anymore. His dependent personality is too much for my health state and I pull away to conserve strength. This frustrates and makes him unhappy of course. Our home life is very stressful, I was almost unable to complete my job application case in time due to the dramas at home, this makes me realise that the relationship is undermining me more than I thought. I have decided to leave him.  We are 'empty nesters' now, all the girls are living independently. It feels right. In my heart of hearts I now know that I have done everything I can within my own personal limitations and idiosyncrisies to address the problems we share. We just keep running in a circle and it never gets resolved.

We have been together for over 7 years and he was the love of my life. The relationship was exceptional and uplifting, hilariously funny and generous for the 18 months before we decided to live together and try and blend our 4 teenage girls in a family - then it started to slowly unravel. The stress caused my health to deteriorate and I was less able to cope with the teenage dramas (and believe me when there is chaos and anarchy on a DAILY basis for years I defy anyone to survive that). At the 3 year mark I was so burnt out we went travelling for 6 months.

When we came home, we came home to all the old stuff.  I am 47 this year, I choose potential loneliness rather than continual conflict.  I choose independence against always worrying if he will be ahppy with my efforts around the home.  I choose financial freedom. I choose a healthier life!!! Ths is my breaking 'up' news!