Journal

The Lupus road is too bumpy.....so up and down, just like my feelings.

Some days I wake up and it's like someone (just for a joke) took away 50 IQ points while I was sleeping and they send me out in the world to 'do ma thing', all the while laughing at my befuddledness and blank thoughts.  I know that I am capable, experienced and well trained but on those days I can only conclude that I am not meant to be nursing and ask why? when I love it so much.

And then just as quickly as it went, the missing portion of my brain returns miraculously and I go back to normal for a little while. It makes me feel stupid at times, and feel like screaming out that there really is a smart person trapped deep down in here somewhere. I am trying a new diet regime to try and clear my head more......I feel desperate. It's a bit like good cop/bad cop = dumb girl/smart girl, please stay forever smart girl, you are so welcome.

Lately I have been having trouble with my gums and it feels like I have a dental infection that is extending, glands under my neck sore on the affected side and a headache on that side too and feeling 'flu like. Then my eyes want to close, they just hurt to have open, and I just need to sleep a lot. And of course with all this happening there goes that 50 IQ points again. I am becoming quite sick of dealing with the multitude of different symptoms......I don't know what to address from one day to the other. I am tired, so tired and dumb girl is in residence again so I had a crap day at work.

Honk if you hate LUPUS!

I am hurting, burning and aching all over - headache, lymph glads sore, muscles cramping -  uuurrrrgghh. Been back at work for a month now, oh the joy of having some money and so timely as my younger daughter has needed financial help setting up for university. But at what price?

When I feel like this and I am looking after someone who is critically ill and I push through my pain barrier it is empowering in one way (is it stupid in another?).  I get a lot from my job though, from the fun with my colleagues, the enriching experience when you meet brave people fighting death and seeing the positive results of our interventions. I have been asked to step up and work as a Nurse Educator in the Heart & Lung Transplant Unit, no shift hours, no weekend work anymore - I have taken the steps to apply for the role and now it is in the lap of the gods.

Now I must go into confidence building for myself.  A probelm exists with my relationship. Russ and I just don't seem to get on anymore. His dependent personality is too much for my health state and I pull away to conserve strength. This frustrates and makes him unhappy of course. Our home life is very stressful, I was almost unable to complete my job application case in time due to the dramas at home, this makes me realise that the relationship is undermining me more than I thought. I have decided to leave him.  We are 'empty nesters' now, all the girls are living independently. It feels right. In my heart of hearts I now know that I have done everything I can within my own personal limitations and idiosyncrisies to address the problems we share. We just keep running in a circle and it never gets resolved.

We have been together for over 7 years and he was the love of my life. The relationship was exceptional and uplifting, hilariously funny and generous for the 18 months before we decided to live together and try and blend our 4 teenage girls in a family - then it started to slowly unravel. The stress caused my health to deteriorate and I was less able to cope with the teenage dramas (and believe me when there is chaos and anarchy on a DAILY basis for years I defy anyone to survive that). At the 3 year mark I was so burnt out we went travelling for 6 months.

When we came home, we came home to all the old stuff.  I am 47 this year, I choose potential loneliness rather than continual conflict.  I choose independence against always worrying if he will be ahppy with my efforts around the home.  I choose financial freedom. I choose a healthier life!!! Ths is my breaking 'up' news!

It's been a while since I posted - been panicking silently about starting work again, 4th Feb, in my permanent job. Have been doing 2 casual shifts a week since Xmas, not too bad....now about to plunge right in as I have enrolled in University to complete a Law Degree and with my job I will be busy busy. I love studying so that is not a bad thing.

I think I am of the mistaken belief that if my health doesn't hold up then working in some medico/legal capacity will be more manageable than critical care nursing.  Then I read that the average legal position involves a 12-16 hr day minimum....I didn't really do my research hey? I was in denial and just reaching out for something that I would find as stimulating as I find ICU.

We are very lucky in this country to have study opportunities, we do not have to pay for university up front, it is deducted from our tax in small amounts once we graduate and is interest free. The same with our health care, most of our hospitals are public funded and treat you for free, no one is ever turned away untreated.

I am all over the place with my future career, I want to work as long as I possibly can...at the same time I am scared of my health failing or more honestly of just not coping. The question is....do I need the extra workload at the moment??