Journal

I saw my brother for the first time in 10 years.  I haven't seen him since I was 15.  I was very nervous.  My brother has had a lot of problems and been angry for a long time.

He seemed actually happy and energetic.  He was very talkative.  The first moment of seeing him was such a shock.  He is my only brother, my older brother and I looked up to him for everything.  I honostly never believed I would see him again...nor did I expect it.  But it was wonderful.  It is a good memory I can hold on to no matter what.  Maybe he is really going to be part of my life again...and if I call him he may talk to me now.  He seemed happy to see me, and I love him so much I can hardly describe.   I didn't really know what to say or how to act, and I know so little about him now.  But I will know him again, and knowing my only brother is something I never thought I'd feel again. I am so greatful

I don't know exactly why I am angry but I am.  I just feel more of a bitterness twords the world recently.  The indencency that people have with eachother, the lies, the betrayal, the pain and the suffering those cause.  I am tired of it all and I reflect on my life and the effect that it has had on me and my demenear.  I was always a strong independent ambitious woman.  But now I feel i have become all of those things plus hard and cynical.  I am too tough and too distrusting of others.  I am a very very honost person, and I always have been.  It makes it harder for me to understand why a person would lie when I don't see the point in it.  I know that it is normally because of the fear of a consequence of admitting an action, whether or not that consequence is an actual punisment or just the embarrasment aspect of it.  I just feel like we should have more control over our actions and not need to result in lying about them.  At least that has always been the logical approach for me.  It just seems like people are indimidated by those who are straight to the point and don't sugar coat.  I am not outwardly rude but I am honost.  It is almost as if you are punished by society for being that way - they like you better if you are a liar (as long as everyone can enjoy bliss in the lie.)  What a shameful existance.  It has always been an issue I had with this country/society here. 

England is very different and I feel I actually was understood over there.  People are just a lot more to the point.  In this country people talk about how the brits are cold and standoffish.  It is actually quite the opposite.  They are warm and sarcastic.  They just laugh about life and get to the point - but here, we can't handle that.  Everyone is always worried about self image.

I NEED to see differently.  But the only way I'm going to see that is to see people who will show me that.  It has been too long since I've met any new genuinely good people.  Tooo long.  Are they out there?  I'm losing faith and becoming more distant and distrustful of society...  I need some hope

Well, the good news is that I was approved for my mortgage loan.  The bad news is that the house I have been following for the last 6 months was just taken off the market 2 days ago because an offer was made.  This house was on 4 acres and would have been absolutely perfect.  It is in the little city that I live in which is my #1 choice of where to live and had enough land to keep my horses on.  On top of it all it was very very affordable because it did require a bit of "fixing up."  Everything else with any land or acerage at all in this area is just way too overpriced.  Its incredibly depressing though.  Its like having a cigarette but no lighter - neither is ueseful without the other.  I have the loan and no house, before I didn't have the loan the house was around.

Buying a property is a big step for me.  Through all the crap I've gone through in the past, I have put myself in a financial situation where I am able to finally benefit from all the tiring and hard labour.  And my main priority is moving the horses onto my property so i can have my family together :)  I am finally so close to being able to make that dream a reality.  Hopefully the deal on this house doesn't close and it comes back on the market.  Or maybe I will be lucky and something else as great comes up.  Unfortunately a property like that for the price it was at is so few and far in between....