Journal

In 7 minutes, your life can change. Completely.

We had a hail storm here last Tuesday.

Wow, just a week ago, yet it feels longer.

It destroyed most of the avocado crop that I had not yet picked.

About 30 % is on the ground.

Of what is still hanging, many have large chunks.

The hail was about the size of golf balls.  and bigger.   HUGE

Next years crop is also 90% gone.  All the flowers are gone.  The little buds that would have been next years fruit have been knocked off or bashed so badly they wont develop.

The new foliage flush that protects any buds that are left is gone too.  So what is left will burn.

The house didnt fare too badly, fortunately.

Some minor damage to stuff like roof whirlybird vents and roof flashing.

All my garden lighting is smashed.  The swimming pool cover is covered in holes. And all the solar heating tubes on the roof have been peppered with holes so the roof gets a shower now instead.

The house stuff is insured.

The crop isnt.

I spent the first week mostly numb or weepy.  Yesterday I started to make plans again.

The area will soon be declared a natural disaster zone - as all the farmers in the area have recieved similar hail.  Stone fruit growers and flower growers have been wiped out too....  Very heartbreaking.

So now I have to try to figure out the best thing to do - for the trees, and financially since i will now have no income for this year and next.

Maybe now I have less to do here I can travel more with my children.......

Not feeling brilliant tonight.  Lots of thoughts and doubts running through my head.

I am sure I was lied to this afternoon.  By a friend. 

Now, I have no proof, but what I was told, just - well I am struggling to believe.  No real reason to doubt, just gut feeling and the thought that what I was told doesnt make sense or add up.

Am I hurt by the lie - Yes.

Does it matter, well Yes and no.

The subject did not need to be lied about - the answer could have been either way, I would not have minded, so why lie, why not tell the truth.  Hence giving the wrong answer doesnt matter. But if there is a need to lie, Why?

Why does this bother me.

Well where there is one lie there may be more.

Do I trust blindly? 

Do I find 1 lie and disbelieve everything else.

Here lies part of my issue.

I have lied in the past.

I really try hard not to, because I have a bad memory and if I lie then I simply cant remember what I said and then it is too hard and stressful to maintain.

I have lied by omission.

That is easier to do - if not asked directly then not to volunteer information. 

Is this lying or maintaining a decent level of privacy???

Trust is important to me.  Both to be trustworthy and to trust others.

Most of my relationships, like nearly all, are completely honest - sometimes even a little too open.

But, There are one or two relationships right now where I have withheld information. 

I feel badly about this.

I suppose that different levels of closeness to people require different levels of honest disclosure.   The supermarket checkout lady doesnt need to know anything beyond I am not hiding stolen goods, whereas my mother requires more truthful information than that.

So what if I choose to withhold information from a close relationship.  I suppose then that with the omissions comes a certain emotional distancing.  The ability to understand one another is deminished.

There are several very important relationships in my life.  But 3 are in a state of uncertainty.

One I have been truthful, but omitted information, emotions, etc.

One I have been truthful, but feel I have been lied to.

And the last I feel I have been truthful and have been judged as a result.

Maybe truth just caused pain.

Yes Yes Yes

It feels awesome to be 95.something. 

Amazing

Must keep it going.

Going to see my counsellor today.

Need to stop swearing.

Told my husband yesterday, in the nicest possible way, that I dont love him and that I have no idea how to fix it.

That I just want to run away and take time out of my life.

I dont know if this is some kind of mid life crisis, or the ramifications of coming out the other side of sexual abuse.

A good friend here suggests that the lightness and euphoria felt after dealing with the SA and telling family etc has by now worn off and maybe I am trying to recapture it.

So I am now in slump after the high.

Gosh I miss the high.

I admit I have made some mistakes recently.