Ashlie's Journal

I can't handle this!! I keep mentally reliving everything I went through last year when my mom was killed in the car accident. The accident. The hospital. The empty house. The anguish. The pitty. The sorrow. The loss. The emptiness. The lawyer. Emptying out the car. Calling to let people know. The 'are you kidding' comment I heard so many times I thought I was going to scream. The fear. The doctors. The darkness. The anger. The loneliness. The viewing I had to attend so other people could say goodbye and I had to sit there next to her body in the coffin for over 2 hours facing how real it really was. The date then, Feb. 14 ruining a supposed holiday for the rest of my life. The realization that I would have to be alive without her. Its too much. 

This morning I woke up crying and calling for Mommy. I miss her sooooo much. I don’t know how to make this easier on me other than things that cost money. I know I should get out of bed more often, get on a schedule, keep my house clean, or get out of the house more. I guess I do know some things to do and am just to lazy and apathetic to do them. Great, I didn’t know I could feel worse.

I want her back! I want my Mommy!!! I don’t want to move forward without her. I want my Mommy back!!! I can’t do this! Life is dull without my Mommy. Bathing is chore at this point. My legs and armpits are gross. Cyn took away my razors before the anniversary on Mom’s death and I only got them back yesterday. I only have bathed once since before the anniversary and I know I should go get my stinky, dirty self in a shower or bath right now, but I just don’t care. This is sad. How do I get through this?

A lot of the time, I don’t even want to get through this. I want to go be with my Mom. I want my Mommy!!! I can’t (or at least think I can’t) and don’t want to work. I’m running out of the abundance of money my Mom left me to set up my future without her. Even typing and thinking that last sentence evokes tears. I don’t even like to think about what will happen to me when I’m broke now that Mom is gone. I squandered almost all she gave me not even seeming to care how much my mom put into it to make SURE I would be taken care of. How could I do this to myself? How could I disappoint her?

I don’t want to die. I want to finish school, have a career, have a child, have a long term relationship with a real man but all I can seem to think about is hiding away from the world in the somewhat safety of the bedroom of this house I bought with the money I got from the settlement from Mom’s death. Blood money. The last blood relative I had left in my life. This is my life.