qtpi's Journal

The appointment was awful. I waited 4 months for that. First Stephen and I waited for 45 minutes in this tiny waiting room that was smaller than our bedroom. It was jam packed with people. We weren't the only ones standing. So when we finally get in, the receptionist said that the Dr. wanted to examine me so I needed to strip from the waist down and use that stupid tissue paper sheet that doesn't even go all the way around. My back side was hanging out. I would have like to have met him fully clothed first. So anyway, he comes in, asks me the usual questions (how long have you been trying.. have you ever been preg... medical history stuff..) Then he does the exam. Well he "peeled" back the paper sheet to expose everything. He was really rough too. I felt like I was a turkey being stuffed for Thanksgiving! I had no privacy. I didn't even feel like a person. What ever happened to human respect and decency? Anyway, so he does the exam and then I get to get dressed. When he comes back in he writes up some stuff for some blood tests, ultrasounds, and a sonohystegram, to make sure my tubes are open, and tells me to come back in April if it doesn't work and he'll put me on Clomid to "fine tune" my cycle. So that was it. I don't mind the exam and blood tests and stuff, I kind a knew that was going to happen. I just didn't like how he did the exam and not being concientious of my privacy and modesty.

The whole day was kind of surreal. I still can't believe I'm on this path. I feel like a failure. I never thought this would be a problem. I know Stephen is disappointed that its come to this but I think he's anxious to get the ball going and see some results. Thats easy for him to say, he's not being poked, prodded, and humiliated. I'm doing alot of second guessing myself now. Like, is it really worth all this? Am I really meant to be a mom? Do I really want to? We don't even have enough time to spend with each other or the dog so how are we going to be able to have time for a baby? We can't even keep the house clean. Will I be any good at it? What happens if I miscarry again and we are never able to have one no matter what pain or humiliation I go through? How far will Stephen push me? How much money is he willing to spend on this? I just don't know what to think anymore.

I called my MIL yesterday too. (I wanted to get it out of the way, so she wouldn't call me or email me and I wouldn't be bombarded with questions about how it went tomorrow. Tomorrow we are going over to their house). She really wants to be involved in this process. She thinks that since she went through the same thing about 31 years ago that she knows what she's talking about. This technology has really changed since she went through it. She told me that an OB/GYN doing that and using the paper sheet was normal and that most of them are rough, and that I was spoiled by a good Dr. in TX. But since this is Canada and they have such a great health care system so that anyone can have health care you have to be happy with who you get. (can you hear the sarcasm in that statement) Well, I wanted to say, If thats the product of sociailized health care they have really compromised quality. OK, so health care costs more in the States than in Canada but at least you got a choice of Dr. and don't have to wait 4 months just for a stupid OB/GYN. I don't think I had a "good" dr. in TX, I had a Dr. who cared about me as a person and about my privacy and comfort. I wasn't just another exam in an assembly line. My Dr. in TX if I had questions or anything, she would spend half an hour with me to make sure I understood and was satisfied with the information. And she didn't over book and end up with 20 people in her waiting room and 3 hrs behind schedule. I don't understand why Drs make appointments if they can't keep them.

So anyway, I didn't want to get into another health care debate with her. Sometimes I wish she would just bud out. She's can be very overbearing, insistant, and opinionated. Things always have to go how she thinks they should go, no matter what anyone else thinks. I just don't want to tell her every tiny detail about my cycle and about my appointments. Really, its none of her business but she thinks by doing that and telling me about her experience she's being encouraging and supportive. I don't really feel like listening to that. I just want someone to say I'm sorry this has happened to you and give me a big hug. I just don't have the heart to tell her that though. I couldn't stand it if she was mad at me. That would just kill me. Its the same story with this massage therapist she's seeing for her neck. She asked the therapist about treating migraines (for me) and now I'm getting all this pressure from her to go see this therapist. I don't really want to go because I don't think it will do much good. I mean, first of all its not covered by our "fabulous" health care system, but it is covered by Stephen's health care package at work. But its only $500 a year. So when a session is $70 I could only go like 4 or 5 times a year before it ran out. What good is that? I'm thinking of going just to get her off my back about it. But then she'll be asking if I've had a migraine recently. I know why I get migraines, its because I'm so stressed out by all this infertility stuff, and her asking me everything, not to mention the tough stuff I have to to at school. I'm mean, a master's in Electrical Engineering is not the easiest thing to accomplish and I'm on a strict schedule so that I can graduate on time. I have alot of pressure from my prof to graduate on time. So anyway,  I really don't feel like being at school today. I just want to go home and be alone.