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RockstarsMom 
Ladies have you ever stopped to think how our perception of time has changed from before to after. Before I thought I had all the time in the world. Time to enjoy my kids and grandkids after I'd finished work, cleaned the house, gone to church, just after. Unfortunately as you can all attest, no one exactly knows how long after will last. For most of us not nearly long enough. There where so many things I was going to do with, for and to John, after, these did not happen. Then I spent at least a year of real time beating myself up for not doing those things, for thinking I had time. Later I realized that we all look at the world through our life experiences and each persons are different. Even if you had twins who experienced the same thing at the same time their perception of the event would be different and thus color their outlook differently. My perception of the important things of life have changed radically since John's death. I now know for sure that most of the things we strive for, wealth, good job, security, etc, are just window dressing. The real things, the important things, are intangible. Time spent just talking, or sitting or laughing, with a loved one, priceless. These are the things that have now become important to me. If I want to hug someone I do, if I need to say I Love You, I do, I give hugs freely and possibly unwanted is some cases, I spend time with myself and others as they will let me. I use each minute of each day for expressing how important to me people are. How love means more than all the money in the world. How a hug from a small child can bring the sun out in an otherwise dark world. How just human contact is what life is all about. Before John died, I had no idea how important time was or how little or much of it there could be. I had no idea how time can expand or contact depending on your attitude towards it. Have you ever noticed how time can expand to fit something you are passionate about or compress if you are doing something that needs to be done and how only you can do it and it's already late. Time is an amazingly elastic measure. It is not absolute. I know time is also sneaky and can steal from you love, patience, wonderment, enthusiasm, joy, and many other things if you let it. Time does nothing, heals nothing, time just is and what and how we use it is up to us. I choose to use time to love and support those people who mean the most to me. Yes I still work and go to church and clean my house but only as a way to be, they are of no importance to me and if one of you called and said lets go somewhere and I had a house to clean and work to go to, who do think would be getting the call. You guessed it the boss and well the house would stay dirty, it will be there tomorrow and you or I may not be. No brainer as my kids used to say. Time the elusive ruler of our lives. Now it's become my friend and companion. Each day I have here is wonderful and full of love and laughter and one day less I will have to spend without my son. Each day is a gift and should be viewed with wonder and joy. I try. I truly try.
Comments
Oh, what a beautiful post, Cathy!! I was so very moved by the things that you said! Yes, it always seems there will be tomorrow, we have all our lives and assume we will always have our sons. I was worried about my son, actually, because I saw how bothered he was about my physical problems. His exwife once said to me, "I hope nothing ever happens to you, because YOUR SON could NOT deal with that". I saw it as proof of his love, she probably saw it as un-natural because she did not have the same in her family. I just wrote an email to my cousin's son and family who had us over for a cookout on Saturday. He cared about Jamie and was just a couple yrs older. Well, he & his wonderful family have just adopted us and it feels so good to have someone care. I find I tell people I love them more easily, because I do. I don't know whether you believe in it or not, Cathy, but I have a psychic friend, and Jamie's very first message to me was, ..It's (life) about LOVE, Mom,...that's all it is,...It's about LOVE! He was incredulous about that,..but I believe it--didn't Jesus continually preach about loving others? Isn't that why we are really here?? Oh, not just our own families, but our friends, and yes, here on DS,..to reach out and love each other. It is healing and compassion and comfort that we all need so desparately. God Bless you, Cathy! Your insight is awesome, and I am so proud to be your friend! Love to you! Judy
JudyWI
I agree we all look at life differently. All we can draw from is our life experiences. I do not look at anything the same as I did before my son died.
AstridW
Beautiful - as it is said no one is promised tomorrow - lets make today count!!!!
annsullivan
Cathy...thank you for sharing your thoughts and your wisdom...it is a lesson you have learned and that you are teaching us...you are one wise woman...love to you...Karen
biowoman
Cathy, I cried as I read this heartfelt post and I made a decision. A big one. I am going to give my one remaining child the money he wants to finish his movie. I have been struggling with this. I don't have much. But I have him. And his dreams. The one thing that stood out in your journal is "how love means more than all the money in the world". Also you said that you chose to use time to love and support those people who mean the most to us. Cathy, I cannot tell you how much your post has helped me to come to terms with helping my remaining son on realizing his dream. He called while I was writing this and I told him that it will happen, that he will get the money to realize his dream. I totally agree with you on that time used to be the ruler of my life but now it is just time. And money is just money. Love is the ruler of my life now. While I consider each day that I live as one closer to the end, I will try to live each one to the fullest for Jason. Thank you Cathy.
BinkyH
Cathy, what a beautiful journal, what a deep perspective of life.Loss of a child has changed me in so many ways. Like you, I have been beating myself up for so many things which I should/would have done for/to Luchan, I feel so guilty of that and I have so many regrets. Love is the most important thing that matters. I am so blessed to have you as my friend who is so strong, caring and wise. love and hugs to you Robyn
rma
Cathy, thank you for sharing your thoughts; such a beautiful journal. I couldn't help but think of my Mother. She used that phrase, "window dressing" to describe your perspective of life.......I beat myself up also for years after Tommy was gone for letting life get in the way of spending more time with him...If grief has taught me one thing, its to be more compassionate and give more of myself...I know I have many blessings in my life. My husband and youngest son are gone, but they both knew how much I loved them and they loved us. ......I now look at life as a portrait. I try to capture every moment of the beauty that surounds us, the ones who loves us and keep it in my mind, as there is no promise of tomorrow. After losing two of what use to be five of us, I felt stripped of all the love I had.
It was then I've come to know strangers @ DS. whom I now feel are my extended family......I love each and everyone of you...You have taught me lessons as well. I thank You for that....Love you always, Pat
tomtom
Thank you so much for posting this.. I needed to hear this so badly today.. it has been a rough few days and I am so glad I got to read your thoughts.. be good to yourself..
munrogirl
Your very wise, I do look at time differently now. I take my time, I try to look for positives, laughter, enjoyment. I try to enjoy the time that has been given to me, and yes each second that passes is one second closer to being with my Melissa. I don't care about my dirty house, never really did. Not working now, but sure could use the money. Don't care that I'm not though. We are getting by, for now. Try to remember to take time for yourself, you are special too. Love ya bunches....BIG HUGS
TracyW
One day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time...
Thanks for reminding us of this simple lesson and fact of life....could it really be that simple?
Ann
AnnM
Well expressed. We do look at life and time differently now. We all are not the same people we were once were. Love Dianne
Fouty
You sure know what your talking about! reading your journal,sure hit home here! Cathy when someone speaks the truth it reaches very deep with in us! and you have showed us the truth,People are the most importain! Your just the best! Love nanny P. S, thanks for the wake up call!
Nannygoat1
That is just about the greatest journal I have read in a long time. It is all so true and so beautifull well put. I treasure time in a way now that I never did before. I treasure each hour with my family, just each moment of being alive. While my heart still aches for Steven, Paul, and Karla (and my dad, but he was old and very sick and been gone 17 years is easier to live with.)every day and every night. I have an inner happiness and peace with the small things of life. I think once we have suffered a loss this big, our whole priorty list changes. I know mine has. I am so thankful for people here on DS like you, Cathy, it is so good to be understood in this true way. Love,peggy
grndmudder
Cathy,
You show so much insight and I totally agree with every word and thought. I find myself being much more aware of the time I do not have as opposed to the other way around. I also put more value on time since my son died and I have gotten older.
My youngest son and his family live in my house and I would like for him to buy it when he gets done with school. Like many young people he does not have a down payment nor good credit. He asked if I would be the bank and my first thought was I won't be around for another 30 years. Sometimes it really hits home that our time is limited and I think about it a whole lot more.
I also find myself reorganizing priorities. I am like you I am overly willing to let my house go if it means doing something I want to do. I work hard at staying in the here and now so I can actually experience it in every pore . When the kids were little I was busy going to work, taking care of a house, being involved in all their sports etc... Looking back I remember being busy but not so much the details of the experiences with the kids.
Hugs, Inga
ihart
Cathy, what a beautiful entry. I think we have all gained such wonderful lifes lessons after losing our children. I know I would take my old self back just to have my son return but since that can't happen, I enjoy my new outlook and cherish what I have now even more. Thank you for such great wisdom. Love to you. Robin
Robin4
Cathy your words meant the world to me. I have tears and my heart is full. You speak the truth, and so well. Thank you for sharing your heart. I really appreciate it!
Trying2BeBetter
Cathy, You got me thinking, thanks for sharing...I have to keep remembering to take each day and find something happy within it and make my own happiest...
Thanks
With Love
Cindy
kynurse
you are just such a brilliant person, Cathy...WHAT a vibrant and true journal. We live for the minute, dont we, for the memories that we make by just BEING with a wonderful family member or friend. Not to waste anytime, seeing the sunshine. Lots of love to you my dear friend, I experienced this love from people yesterday, another perfect day.....Cathrynn XXX
Cathrynn
Cathy - thank you so much for reaching out to everyone for support.. Thank you all for your love and support these past couple weeks.. You all are amazing women! Karen
BJsMom
Your strength is overwhelming. i strive to be strong like you.
firefly1960