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RockstarsMom 
Thursday May 28, 2009
Yes it's that time again to the hour, 3 years, how is that possible? At this time 3 years ago the doctors pronounced John brain dead, my only son, how can he be dead!! He is and I've tried my hardest to accept the unacceptable and I do for the most part but that doesn't stop me from screaming inside, WHY ME?, WHY HIM?. I know there is no answer to the question but it still after all this time runs through my head. As this day and hour approach I find myself slipping back into the pain and shock of the loss, of loosing all the ground I've gained, of just wallowing in all the pain and darkness again. I am aware it does no good, but I just need to somehow. I still miss him like it was yesterday and I wonder if that will ever change. I miss his voice saying "Mudder!", I miss his phone calls and his never ending questions, I miss his laughter and his ability to be a jackass for no apparent reason, I miss my son, now and forever. I think about the day we will meet again and all the things we will say to each other and I pray for that time. I try my best to live this life I'm given to it's fullest, but I'd be a liar if I didn't say I look forward to the day I'll leave it and join the boys and girls who have gone before and whom I have come to know and love. Death holds no fear for me. I know this too will pass but for today I will stay in my memories and just not think about life as it is but as it was. This entry was meant to be posted today April 28 2009 which is three years to the date and time. This week has been so darn painful and I'm melting into the black pit of hell.
John may the snow always be powder and the sky always blue and the temperature never about 65. The hours turn into days, days into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years but the love I feel for you does not diminish, it grows and the missing you never ends. Love you now and always Mom
Comments
Bless your heart. I am so sorry you are suffering this kind of pain. I found out it is ok to question why. That was one of the first things out of my mouth that morning. I said, "I deserve this happening to me, but not his Dad". Although I know it is useless, I still scream WHY???? in my car some mornings going to work. I don't think we will ever stop asking the why's. We all are missing our children, even the 'jackass' part of them. Thank you for putting that into a word for me.
I heard a young man yesterday calling for his Mom. It sounded so much like Chad that I had to turn my head to look. I teared up and just about lost it.
I hope your day improves.
Love and Hugs, Barbara
doxylady
You will always miss him...You will always wonder why...it is ok to feel the way you do..that is all part of your life now...may you have a gentle week & a peaceful day...Hugs, Ann
annsullivan
Spend this day, this week... however long you need living in what was. "the real world" (and I use that term loosely) will be waiting for you.... you're loved & cared about very much!!!! Hugs & Prayers, Robin
CloudDreamer
Cathy,
I am so sorry you are in such pain and I do understand. When we get in the pits even 3 years later we somehow feel we are gonna stay there and we don't. It is alwasy with a heavy heart that I rememebr my son and as you there are so many things that I miss. Isn't it funny how the things that used to annoy us, now we would give anything to have those moments back. Hugs, Inga
ihart
Oh, sweetheart, I miss MY jackass, too! I wonder if there is something in the air these days - so many of us are back in the bleak, dark place again. You and I have had a miserable year and we need to find our ways back even though we don't always want to. Six weeks from now, we will be in NY and that's what keeps me going. Much love - B
EvansMom
Our hearts, souls & minds are with them, until we are together again.
Hoping you find warmth & peace in knowing we will be re-united someday.
Love & Hugs!
joeymom
I feel your pain, through the words you wrote here. Your love will never fade for your son - he sounds like he was a very down to earth, funny guy - full of love and laughter - I try to keep reminding myself that Shaun is still near me - in some way - and I feel like you do - I no longer fear death at all - which before loosing so many - I did. Perhaps it comes from the constant pain - I don't know - I just know that when my time comes I'll be ready. God bless and keep you sweetheart - three years is still not enough time to get over loosing a wonderful son. (((((((Hug)))))))
Denimari
Dear Cathy, Hope you can feel my hug at this time. These are the times the pain and grief are so intense. How do we make it through? I don't know how. But we do. Love, Dianne
Fouty
I think you clearly articulated the pain and sorrow suffered by a grieving mom. I understand your pain. Not a day goes by I do not pray to see my son again. I definitely have a different perspective on death. I am no longer afraid.
I hope you did not make a hasty decision to return to work. Take care of yourself.
AstridW
Beautifully put and it is a pain and darkness every mother who lost a child has. I am like you many times, On many days.I have the darkness on death days on birthday and on mothers day, all the holidays that "normal" people celebrate. I think we all get into a very alternate state of mind at these times, I am hurting with you. I understand. I hurt with you, Love Peggy
grndmudder
I so understand your words, that pain. I wish our lives were so much different. Our children should be here doing what remarkable things they were meant to do. This is so unfair, I wonder to if the pain will go away. I'm starting to think no. Take Care, Love ya bunches. BIG HUGS
TracyW
I know the feeling,you think you are movong on with your life the zap you are back where you started from three years on. I get these sadden moments at different times and no matter how happy I am at the time I feel depressed then my day seems to be ruined as far as me getting back my happiness for that day. LOve to you...
Cindy
kynurse
hugging u so tight cathy...i know and understand falling back in to the darkness...im there with you...3 yrs coming up for me on june 20th and then codys birthday the 22nd...i get two big huge punches within 2 days...luv u...
DianaLynn
I feel your pain.. It's been 3 years, 2 months,since my son has been gone... I just can't believe it either.. I guess we are just having to learn to live without them... i'm just a slow learner... Hang in there.. We came this far...God wants us around for a reason.. Love, Kelly
KellyLee105
It's never easy when the anniversary comes around. We just had Joel's birthday as well on the 28 May. Although we celebrate it by going out to dinner, you never stop asking, Why? What did he or you do to deserve this pain. Hang in there Cathy. xxx
DiBrown
God Bless You
firefly1960