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No I'm not dead, nor have I fallen off the world. I've been living in my own world of chaos and trauma. None of which relates to this journal entry. This journal enter is about the retreat and the effect it has had on me. Let me explain.
I've been a member of DS for about 2 years and I've met many lovely ladies who have helped, supported, chastised and general tried to lead, push me in the right direction. They have become my friends and family, some have become closer than others but all have be generous and kind. Now these were a group of disembodied people out there somewhere is cyberspace. You love them and care about what happens to them but in a detached sort of way. Not that I love them any less just differently than the people I actually interact with each day. They were not quite real. Yes they had problems and issues but you could turn off the computer and be done with them. Sounds horrible as I write it but true none the less.
Then comes Niagara Falls and suddenly these disembodied entities are living, breathing human beings just like me and in that moment their pain and suffering became as real as if it was happening to me. I had send a million, "I'm sorry and Hugs" Now I actually could put my arms around them and hugs them. I feel their hearts beat and the wetness of their tears. Their laughter still rings loudly in my ears. They went from being virtual strangers to real life friends and Mom's walking this same road. Call it an epiphany or just amazing but all of you who I've actually met and those I've yet to met have become "real". Like me. Before you were somehow not so solid. I can't explain this or why it never occurred to me before. So since I've come home, I've stayed off line mostly and thought ever so carefully about what to say to some one's journal. What we say has an influence on "real" people and therefore I needed to really think it through. I'm sorry for the thoughtless comments I have made up to now. I will think twice before I comment again.
This age of computers has made life less "real" and I am a perpetrator of it. There is all these faceless women out there who have real pain and sorrow and I've not given them the respect they deserve. I apologise for that.
In Niagara, I met women who have lived through hell and can still laugh, who can reach out and aide another, who can go through the worst medicine can throw at you and say what someone else went through was worse. These are strong, caring women who truly love one another, what a miracle. God or some entity, what ever you believe, has brought us all together here in this space for a reason. This is not a random happening. I am now in awe of all the women on this site and I cannot wait to met you in the flesh, as the saying goes, as I know now I really do know you. You truly are who you purport to be here in cyberspace. Who knew that this many wonderful women could ever get together in one place at one time. Awesome
Comments
I cannot believe it. I am finally going to meet the sister friends from here that I love as much as my God given family. Not all of them but some at least. It makes me so happy, I'm like a little kid. Can't sleep, can't eat and won't settle down. I'm going to get to Niagara Falls with no underwear or no shirts or some such thing. Look for the pictures of the crazy lady wearing the same clothes for four days, that'll be me.
As I started to write this journal I got a notice from a friend I hadn't heard from in a long time, BJ'sMom , she has lost a second son to a motorcycle accident. Please those of you who will be home be there for her. I cannot imagine losing a second child. She is a wonderful caring woman who needs our support and love at this moment. Come on ladies, lets do what we do best, support each other
Comments
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God Bless you, Cathy,...have the most wonderful time! You soooo deserve it! Love you, Judy
(p.s.....wish I could be there with you!)
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I was reading your journal and was feeling all your excitmenet as I cannot settle and have not finishing packing..then I read the next part and my heart just went cold.. it is just not fair and I will send her a note soon.. see you soon love...
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oh, that poor woman, Cathy....that just seems so terribly unfair and so tragic. Will be thinking and praying for this friend of yours and her family...bt I am glad of your wonderful Niagera Falls meetup with friends, wish I could be with you toooooo.....HUGGS Cathrynn X
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I received the news about an hour ago. It litterly made me sick to my stomach.
To lose BJ two and a half years ago and now Dave I can't begin to imagine.
We will "do what we do best". Thanks for posting it.......I am so happy Cathy that you are going to meet some of the most couragious woman I so admire.
Love and hugs, Pat
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I am in tears over Karen's loss...it simply breaks my heart. Go and have a wonderful time and hug everyone for me...love to you...Karen
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Enjoy the weekend & give everyone a big hug....my heart is breaking for Karen & her family...
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please take care of yourself, i am so happy for you. give all our sisters a hug for us all back home. my heart goes out to BJsmom, i tried to look her up and send her a note but i couldnt find her, maybe i am not searching correctly
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I'm so heartbroke by this. Speechless.
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Oh my god....I so sorry. I don't even know how she will cope. You go and socialize and we will try to reach out to Karen.
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First, again, have have wonderful time at Niagara Falls. Pass along a big hello from me. And secondly my heart is broken over the sad news of a second child lost for this mother.
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Cathy,
Who needs underwear when the weather is warm. Enjoy your time with the other moms.
My heart is shattered with the sad news of BJ's son...Hugs, Inga
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You are lucky you didn't have to bail out a few of our crew!!! I read about how they strayed over the border!!! I am so glad you were able to meet these wonderful women-I was blessed to meet many of them at the first retreat-would have loved to have come to this one and to have seen you but until SC gets it act together and gets some more jobs down here we just couldn't swing it as Ed still hasn't found a job. But I was with you all in spirit and thought of everyone the whole weekend. Glad I didn't see any write-ups in the news of any international incidents so I guess you kept all these American ladies straight!! Love, Sandy
Past Entries
What a poignant journal post. I have never met anyone in person in this group, but I can only imagine the impact it would be to actually meet them face to face. So happy you got to experience getting together with them. Love, Dianne
Fouty
oh what an amazing journal....how I wish I had been with you at Niagara - maybe one day.....lots of hugs to an inspiring, wonderful woman.....Cathrynn XXXXXX
Cathrynn
I remember last year after meeting moms at the retreat...feeling similar...and it was somewhat strange to somehow transform these women from cyberwomen to real women. You are so right that we have an obligation to be as honest,helpful and thoughtful we can be. I also hope that I have never said anything to hinder someones healing or hurt them in any way. BTW...I have always felt that everything you said was so thoughtful and helpful...I think that you are awesome and can't wait to meet you one day...love and hugs...Karen
biowoman
I am crying as I read this Cathy. I also just uploaded the photos that I took to myspace. There is you and me hugging on the Maid of the Mist. There is you getting the snowglobe that I was going to chose. I am going to save this journal entry, since I think it has meant the most to me of ever since joining here. However, please never ever apologize for saying simple things like "I am sorry and hugs". Just 8 months ago, I lost my son and several months later, I found this group. At first, all I got was "sorry for your loss" etc. But when you all said it to me, I knew that it was coming from real people who know. Whether or not I had ever seen your face. When we have not met, what else is there to say? But nonetheless, I found kindred here. It did not matter what you guys said to me, I knew that it came from your heart. You all encouraged and supported me every step of the way and continue to do so, whether I have seen your face or not. In fact, when I met some of you in NF, I felt like I already knew you! God Bless each and every one of us. Love, Belinda
BinkyH
thank you so very much for sharing your heartfelt thoughts, you have touched me today, thank you
misshimsooo
Thank you my love for putting into words the experience we had in NF as I too was stuggling.. I want to thank you for being my friend and for all your support.. you are my hero and I love you..
munrogirl
Maybe I can relate with your emotions next year. I didn't want to do the retreat at the beginning for fear everyone would just sit around and cry all the time. After reading the post that those Mom's have done, I feel it was more melding of the hearts and feelings. I also know you all had some laughs. Can't wait till next year and hope I can participate.
Hugs...Barbara
doxylady
What a wonderful post! It touched me deeply. I never forget for a moment how real all of us are, how deeply our scars are, and how the love flows between us. I have met and come to love so many of you, some are sisters, truly, to me. One almost like a son.---Will I meet them face to face?? There are some plans for that, but it does not matter. I will continue to love, support, and pray for those who are led to me. That is what it is all about,--this whole world, this lifetime, loving and reaching out to others! Love YOU, Cathy!! Judy
JudyWI
You have always had a great insight into people's feelings. I have neve met you in person but always felt accepted and understood by your ongoing support and kindness. I can't wait untill next year as I told Belinda. WE will be there come "hell or high water". Love to you my friend. Pat
tomtom
Your words to me on this site have always uplifted, guided, encouraged, and supported me. Your "real" hugs, the sound of your voice, the love in your eyes, completed the friendship we've shared on line. You are real. I am real. The love we all share here is real. I've been blessed to know you as "one of my moms on line"....I've been immensely blessed beyond measure by standing in your presence. We are forever connected. I love you, Teri
RememberKala
Cathy,
That was a very insightful journal and it shows the growth that anyone should be pleased about. I do hear your words and I think they apply to many of us. I can say for myself that when I answer any journal I focus on the person that wrote it and I give a lot of thought to my words. Sometimes it shows and other times it does not connect with that person. When I respond to moms journal I feel like I connect with their spirit, not with all but with many.
When I write my journals I appreciate moms reading it and sometimes the comments leave me empty (sorry but I want to be honest). I can always tell when a mom has connected with me and when the mom very quickly wants to move on. Having said that I also do understand that we all do what we can and give to others what we can at the time.
I am so glad for your insight and I am looking forward to your next journal. Hugs, Inga
ihart
Cathy, your entry is amazing. I've never felt anything you've commented on was less than heartfelt but I do know that sometimes just a hug or a "here for you" doesn't feel quite adequate but is all we can come up with at the time. I know for me, just knowing someone read my entry makes all the difference regardless of the few words that may be left in the comment box. I think the retreat was incredible. It was even better for me than last year but probably because my heart was a bit lighter. You are right, nothing is random and I truly believe we are all sisters at heart. Love to you. Robin
Robin4
I can't wait till the day I meet you and my other DS friends you are what helps me each and everyday
MartinsMom
What a beautiful entry. You are truly blessed to have met people who were to become your good friends and confidants. I hope that for myself. Thanks for sharing. Chris
Overwhelmed1203
I wish it wasn't so long before another retreat!
Susannah
Soosanah
I so badly wanted to be in NF, and couldn't I still don't have that damn passport. I am in the process of starting all over again. I truly hope one day for us all to meet as you are right, we have been brought together for some higher purpose. For now please accept my offering of love and big big hugs.
TracyW
Yes ma'am, I am not a middle aged fat man or a predator. I am really me!!!
ColleenF
You give me hope you have an inner piece about you I love.
firefly1960