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Ouch1972 
12:08am, June 16, 2009
I need to start getting on here more often and getting all this crap off my chest. I need help, but I'm on here so sporadically I think my friends have forgotten about me. Not that I blame them. I applied for my last month of paid medical leave. I should find out today if it was approved. If not, my next check will be 1/4 of what it usually is. My LTD and SSI/Disability haven't been approved, yet, so I will have no income for I don't know how long, not to mention no health insurance. I can pull my 401K but it's not much. My depression is completely out of control. I can't leave the house. I don't care whether I take a shower. I don't care about anything but my kids. My mom told me that I can't live like this because it will effect my son. As if I needed more guilt. Whenever I try to figure out what to do, I always come back to one conclusion. I can't stand the physical or mental pain anymore. Nobody understands. I'm not looking for pity. If something happens I'll give someone my password so those of you who want to know, will. I'm obsessed with suicide. Reading about it, thinking about it, trying to figure out the best way to do it. My son is in therapy because of issues with his dad. He's been avoiding my son's calls for the past few weeks. Now, all of a sudden he's calling and texting me asking me for help. He brought him home and asked for a cup of ice because he couldn't afford to buy a bag of ice. That's such bullshit. How the hell can I help anyone else if I can't even help myself???? Every ounce of energy I have goes to taking care of my son and making it seem like everything is ok. I can't deal with his dad's bullshit.
Jess graduated in May. She's working and hanging out with her friend's this summer. Ever since graduation it seems like she hates me. Her friend stopped by yesterday with the momma dog of Jessica's puppy and I hadn't ever seen her. They were all outside and I got up and said I wanted to go out there and see her. Jess was like NO, just don't! It hurt my feelings SO bad. Apparently she's so embarrassed of me she doesn't even want me to walk out on the driveway and have her friends see me.
I got a steroid shot the other day b/c my joints were so stiff, especially in my hands. Of course, it made my blood sugar shoot up for 3 days. I couldn't get ahold of my mom so I called my sister....no answer. I texted her and told her that if Jon couldn't wake me up and called her someone needed to come over here. She didn't answer my text. That night my blood sugar shot up to almost 500 that evening and Jon couldn't wake me up. He called my sister, who didn't answer the phone, so he texted her. She didn't bother even coming over and she lives MAYBE 3 miles away. I could've gone into a fucking coma with my 10 year old alone here with me.
I'm so pissed, sad, in pain, tired...It's like my own family thinks I'm making things worse than they are. WHO WOULD WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS???? I feel like a worthless piece of shit, so what's the point? I'm sure they would be glad to not have to worry about me and all my "afflictions."
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I just got word last Thursday that my leave has been extended through July, thank God. I've applied for LTD and SSI/Disability. I have a friend since kindergarten that is now a state senator (I may have told this story before) whose wife has MS and is a big supporter of people that need Disability. He offered to track my paperwork thru the system. He did the same for my neighbor's son who is Bipolar and they got it on the first try. Pray and cross your fingers, cuz if LTD comes thru first I go from $2300 a month with health ins. to $1000 a month with none. Not that I wouldn't be grateful. It's better than nothing a month and surely I could get Medicaid. Problem is, my doctor, the one that provides my pain meds, doesn't take Medicaid. I'd have to pay for an office visit every month. It'd be worth it tho. I think it's like 60 bux.
I've been getting on facebook quite a bit. Found tons of people I went to school with. If you've been on there you know about all these quizzes you can take. I just took one and it really freaked me out b/c it was so right on. I know it doesn't mean anything but here is what it said....
Leslie completed the quiz "What is Your Inner Self?" with the result A Smokelike Person.
You tend to hide you emotions. You are at a very low point in life. You almost seem to not want to go on anymore. Fade a way into smoke not exist. You feel alone in life. You feel as if no body could ever understand you. But there is only one thing that clings you to life. You want to belong. But you dont want to change. You want to be around people you want to have a reason to go on. You are sometimes envious of other people's seemingly perfect lives. If you want to have a seemingly perfect life, then you should start hanging around warm sunlike people, or friendly earthlike people, or tell your problems to an quiet listener moon person. And you always have a speck of hope inside of you. Even if you feel all hope is lost, hope is hard to fully kill. so nurture and try to see life in different eyes, and maybe it'll be a brighter world.
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Past Entries
Dear Ouch,
Dying is easy, living is the hard thing. Pick one small thing a day and do not rest until you have it accomplished! Its the best way to fight the depression... Eric
weinere46
eric is right is right here about doing just one small thing, i actually write mine that ive done down in a journal as it makes me feel abit better that i have managed something no matter how small it may be. i get so fed up with the bloody illess itself, today its swollen ankles, achy joints and an achy neck plus anaemia, just to name but a few and i cant stop nodding off to sleep, which is so annoying as i dont seem to get anywhere, even if want to rest i fall asleep in the middle of a crossword. but people do care about you, we are all thinking about you and feel free to vent your spleen as they say, we are all in a similar boat. i often think or feel that noone wants me around then i come on here and i see the lovely messages people have left and it can really lift my spirits. sending you massive hugs astridxoxo
astrid40
Giiiiirl! I could have written this myself. This is one of the things that I have tried to come to grips with; it would be so easy if it was just the physical pain and not the emotional pain or even the other way around. I had to realize that there were things that DON'T matter if they get done or not. Be kind to yourself. I went shopping on Saturday for 3 hours and was in such pain that I came home and went to bed. I get things done as I feel capable.
The depression worries me however. I have been so bad that I was worried about myself and every day seemed to drag on forever until I could go to sleep. I also had suicidal thoughts, but what you have to remember is this~if it gets too bad, CALL 911! Call and make an appointment with your doc, if you are on meds and they aren't helping, they need to change them!
You still have my phone number...CALL ANYTIME!
Love you Les!
Karen
KPTOO