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emsinmanchester 
9:11am, October 28, 2009
Yesterday some of you wrote some really sweet and supportive messages in my hug book and in my journal.
Unfortunately, I have to admit I have struggled to take your comments on board and move forward today. Some bad things happened yesterday and I found myself doing things I am ashamed of but cannot seem to stop.
I started writing goodbye notes to my friends, telling them what I thought of them and how I am sorry to go but I have to say goodbye. They are in essence suicide/disappearance notes because I just feel so trapped.
I don't want to die and yet I do, because I just have too many voices in my head all of the time telling how bad I am, how stupid I am and then I go and do things that prove those voices right.
But then there's my parents and then I think maybe if I just left and disappeared for a while - I could keep in contact with them so they knew I was okay, maybe then I could escape. HOw could I do anything worse to them?!
I am not telling you this because I am about to go and slash my wrists or because I need you all to tell me not to do it.
I am telling you this because I need to let it out. And because I know some of you must have felt as hopeless at some point.
I guess it's not that I don't want to live - I think I just don't want to be me - because frankly I suck at this whole living thing.
I suck at friendship, I can't attract relationships, I am overbearing at work; and I lost the only person who loved me for me.
I am rubbish and I just want to be better; but I don't know how to be and I want to find out because I know that suicide cannot be the answer.
This is not me saying goodbye to you all. This is me highlighting how stupidly easy a brain will do anything to escape and makes you feel like you have no choices - even when you do - so you have to fight to find those other choices - before you do something to hurt yourself and others.
I have tried to be open and honest so I stop feeling so alone.
Over and out, Emma
Over and out, Emma
Comments
OH Please call someone.... a counselor, doctor, friend, help outline or support group, Go to a church. Please I would hate to see such a wonderful person end their life. You are not this unlovable unworthy person you think you are right now. If you need to talk send me a message. I worry for you. We are all in bad places at times and with loving support we can dig ourselves out of it. We are all here for you. It is ok to say see you later to friends that are not showing you the support you need at this time in your life. Please please find someone to talk to or even just spend time with even if you are not up to talking. Again I will listen... nothing you say to get it off your chest will offend me. I understand how you are feeling but YOU WORTH IT. YOU ARE LOVING AND SPECIAL.
steph628
Thank you for your support Steph. I guess I am just very concerned about how easy it can be to start the mechanisms for making such severe decisions and i needed to let people know that I was feeling that way. I went for a walk and set up a doctors appointment; because I should not be feeling this bad and it is getting to easy to feel this bad.
Thank you for your support.
emsinmanchester
I do know how that feels.. I'm hoping you're like me in the way that I never actually went through with attempting suicide when i felt as you do. *hugs* i hope you're feeling better soon.
hlks
Well I'm glad you set up a doctor's appointment. You need to talk to a trusted professional.
I've felt the way you've felt before. There was a time where I didn't feel like things would improve, and I didn't want to go on living.
You are not a worthless person. Life is hard for sure, but we don't have to be perfect at it, no one is perfect. Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person.I still don't know how to be a 27 yr. old adult. I realize everyone has to go at their own pace.
I do hope things will get better and do talk to someone soon. We're here for you on DS too! *hugs*
closer
I have felt like things wouldn't get any better, but I feel like everyone is here for a reason. So for what ever reason I had to go through what it is that I went through, and things did get better. Maybe today and many days before that weren't good but who knows what tomorrow will bring. You have a doctors appointment and that is a great way to start. I've seen doctors in the past and they have a way of asking you questions and getting you to realize things that you would of never of thought of on your own. *HUGS*
trixies2sorefeet
Hugs, I'm glad you were able to write this hun, I'm sorry you feel this way but you are not alone, there is hope and you will get through this. I'm glad you are going to see a doctor & really hope it will be helpful.
You take care,
Love Sarah
Saz41
Em, I think I know what you are talking about and what may be going on in your life right now because I just understood everything you just journaled. I am going through the same thing I think. Write me.
girlwithnoeyes
I totally understand what you're going through I feel pretty much the same as you do sometimes, last week I was ready to go i was so upset over it all, I wanted to go but I didn't at the same , I just wanted a way out of my pain I wanted to smile and mean it.
With the right help and support we can do this together, it may be a tough road but I am here to support you every step of the way.
Wishing you lots of happiness and big hugs to you sweetie xxxx xxxx
wannagetbetter
I had to isolate myself from people just so I could get a clear picture of who I am, what I want, and what I want to feel. I had to let some friends go, I happen to come across a very healthy relationship (after years and years of shity men with no respect or ambition) and I am not talking that much on the phone...just doing me. THATS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. Isolate yourself from people that influence you and just find out what you like and dislike, what makes you happy, and start getting into activities that you like to do without the company of others. Ever since I tried this, I have learned some pretty cool things about myself. I thought I was stupid but now I see Im not because me being nervous around people and thinking they thought I was stupid made me feel I came off as that, stupid. As soon as I learned to chill and not think they think of me in that way...I became aware that I was just freaking out. That comes from me not being validated. Thats why I feel people think of me in those ways because growing up no one ever validated my opinions or ideas. I happened to get to know me and that made me feel so much better I wanted MORE! I VALIDATE MYSELF NOW, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO, YOU KNOW?? As long as I know me and love me and know what I am capable of...everyone and their OPINIONS (cuz thats ALL they are,OPINIONS) can go to hell.
Thanks for sharing...I hope I helped. Read some of my journals...they will be helpful since I just overcame that stage. We can chat too if you like. Im fresh in the lesson :)
krystinemalave