codependent's Journal

I'm really trying not to let things get to me.  It's like one thing after another.  My dad was picked up by the ambulance Friday for having chest pains.  He had a hard time breathing, and i saw him crying.  I never see him cry.  Since he was crying, i started crying like a baby.  I don't know how to handle all of this.  It's like a chain of unfortunate events that won't stop.  My dad was admitted to the hospital over the weekend and i picked him up yesterday.  He's still not feeling good.  They ruled out it being a heart attack, and they thought it was Coronary Artery Disease.  Now, they just changed his meds, and think it may be anxiety or stress.  He's diabetic and was just diagnosed in Dec.   He worries a lot about his blood sugar.  I know it's very hard for him to change his habits, because he quit smoking due to his health, and gained a lot of weight, because he turned to food.   I know how hard it is to break an addiction.  I'm addicted to caffeine, nicotine, and food.  I can't give up any of them.  I've been smoking more because i'm trying to watch my weight. 

Other than that, i'm kind of emotional right now.  I met a new guy, on craigslist.  He's only 20.  I like him a lot, and we seem to get along real well.  The only problem is he drinks a lot on weekends.  I'm not sure how he feels about me.  I feel like i wait by the phone for him a lot, and i need to quit depending on that.  We talk just about everyday.  He works in construction in San Francisco, has his own vehicle and no children.  He has his own place also.  This is what he tells me.  He could be fibbing about soemthings. I just don't know.  I have my guard up, and i always remind myself that i don't need him.  If he's the right one he'll stick around.  I just don't know if he's mature enough for me.  I think i may be too clingy because i want attention so badly.  I think i call him more than he calls me.  He tells me he loves me when he's drunk, but when he's sober he doesn't.   When he's drunk he's a different person, well i guess anyone is.  But he talks a lot of shit when he's drunk.  I just keep in mind not to take him seriously.  I don't want to chase him and beg for his attention.  That is how i feel about a couple friends that i used to be close to also.  Melonie and Barbara, i used to be real close to them.  I send them messages on myspace all the time and they fuckin ignore me.  I feel that true love and true friendship shouldn't have to be begged for.  I'm just lonely.  I'm sick of being treated like shit. 

Isaac and i got into last time i saw him too.  He has voices talking to him again and refuses to get help.  He was talkin shit to me, and accusing me of cheating, and was just an ass.  I took him to eat at Red Lobster, and said he had a surprise for me and it was good for the both of us.  He was tryin to get a free meal before he told me it was over.   I made him tell me, and i told him he can pay for his half.  Then he left and walked home a few blocks away.  Maybe i'm a bitch for doing that but i don't really care.  His mom was telling me too that i don't need his bullshit.  I have tried so hard with him and it takes all my energy to deal with him.  I just need to stay the fuck away from him.  He freaked me out bad, he said people upstairs were taking things from his brain, and that they kept calling him different names and arguing with him.  Even during sex he'd say his famous words when the voices talk to him...."Nothing like that, this that and the other."  Doesn't make any sense!  He shook his head and held his nose and blew out it with his mouth.  It was odd.  I took pictures of him too and he didn't like that.  He usually didn't care if i took pics of him.  This time he said in the pictures it wasn't him, it was somebody else. 

The events that i'm trying to deal with that has happened starting Nov 18th, 2008 my sister robbed a local pharmacy at gunpoint, and she is obsessing over her case.  I saw the pursuit video yesterday and think i watched it more than she did.   The officer shot at her 6 times.  Miraculously she wasn't hit.  They said that bullet holes were in the driver seat headrest also.  I know she's in shock about the whole thing and can't believe it happened but she's obsessing over it, and driving us crazy and bringing us down with her.  Now they're tryin to give her 21 years.

The end of December i found out i was pregnant by Isaac and as soon as i told him he wanted to give the baby a paternity test.  He fought with me the whole time.  Shortly thereafter, Jan 4, 09 i lost the baby.  I'm still trying to cope with that. 

Then Friday my dad was in the hospital.  I just don't know what to do. 

The only positive thing in my life right now is Marco, the new guy i'm talking to.  I just think i'm scaring him off.  I dont know.  I'm impatient and i know it.  I just want to know what's going on.  I don't want someone wasting my time.  My heart and soul are damaged from other men.  I have a hard time trusting a man, and i kick myself in the ass everyday for letting the best man who came into my life go.  Mike was the best thing that ever happened to me and i fucked it  up.   I can't forgive myself either.   I had everything with him and i just wasn't ready.  I didn't think he loved me anymore when he did.  He just didn't show it affection wise.  Thats what i wanted.  I didn't care about the money, i just wanted affection, that's all.  I had the chance to get him back but again wasn't ready.  Now i've really lost him forever.   I'm just going through a lil depression right now.  I'll get through it.  I just needed a good cry i guess.