jesse59's Journal

Well, today was interesting. I got a good message from Jack. We are close to agreeing on a dollar amount. He is working on the “medical pool” of money. They have to put money aside, over and above from the settlement for my medical costs for life. I am more excited about that. It will allow me to proceed with finding something to ease my pain besides pills. I have bookmarked two types of help to explore. My first choice is the SCS, (spinal cord stimulator). My doctor ruled that out for me. He said that it worked only for people who had pain that radiated down the leg. My pain stays in one spot, the center of my lower back. It has never wavered from that spot. But, during my research, (I research everything), it is for my kind of pain too. I even showed him my research but he passed it off. My second choice is that, for lack or a technical term, a pain pump. It is an implant that squirts morphine directly on the spot of the pain. If you ever look that up you will see why it is my second choice. You can see it inside you. And, to refill it, you have to get a shot. I was never afraid of shots, and I am still not. But, after having to inject myself after each of the first two series for 30 days, needles are a last resort.

I made some headway in my SSI adventure. I have to call my SSI attorney tomorrow. I read, in my SSI link page, it is better to start with an attorney vs. getting denied first and then getting one. Same price so what the heck. I will have to get affidavit from all my doctors and even my former employer. Add to that list friends will help with my case. My psychologist said she would, so that’s a start. I am pretty sure my old boss will help. If not, I will use someone else there.

My vocational guy left a nasty email. I know better, but he said since I didn’t call him he went to the college. I was tempted to remind him that he is the one who wanted to go there in the first place to get information on the job postings. But I was diplomatic and didn’t. I sent the email at 5:00 a.m. He said he never went to his office. I seriously doubt him. I am so close to settling I don’t know why he is even around still. Maybe Jack never told their lawyer I am moving as soon as this is over. Oh well, I won’t loose any sleep over it either way.

Now, if my doctor would just refill my Norco bottle, I would be set. I see him Friday. I will try to get him onboard. More later.

Well, it’s later. The start of another day, another 3rd day on my patch. Up at 4:00a.m. after a fitful night’s sleep. Tossing, waking multiple times, and the dreams made for a rough night. AGAIN! To make things worse, as if, yesterday was 82 degrees and today it might reach 60 degrees. A front went thru over night. Weather changes generally explode my pain to even higher levels. This morning is no exception. I was up barely an hour and a half before shutting the pc down. I hobbled away to the couch. I need my Norco’s bad, but the doctor hasn’t replied. I bet he is going to wait until I come in Friday. One would thing him being a PAIN! Doctor he would understand breakthrough pain. I didn’t invent the bleeping word. I will never wear a patch more then 2 days again.

I have to call my SSI lawyer today. I walked to see Dr. Lacey yesterday. That did me in.

Vocational helper guy, Patrick left me another lovely email. He wanted to know who I was scheduled to interview with. I updated his list, as to whom I and sent a resume to and which ones I still had to apply to. I told him I wasn’t “scheduled” to interview with anyone, since I had not received any call backs. What a ball buster.

My brain is wandering.

What if they had an Olympics for chronic pain, FM, and CFS? What sport would I win gold in? Without a doubt it would be TV Remote Controller spinning. I have gone through several types over these 4 plus years. I can spin them like those old time cowboys spinning their six shooters.

What a waste of a trip to the doctor. I believe it is time to find another doctor. My current one does not have my best interest’s at heart. At least that is the feeling I am left with after today’s appointment. First off, I didn’t even see him, I saw the nurse that takes my blood pressure and reads my paperwork. Every time I go in I have to complete a 3 page form detailing how I feel, when my pain rises, what medications I am taking, etc. I swear, I spend more time with her then the doctor usually. Anyway, then Andrea comes in. She is a higher type of nurse. She can do everything but write prescriptions. When she came in, before I could say anything, told me what my new treatment plan would be. She said she and the doctor went over my form. (On that form I told them how much the patch sucked. How it worked only two days not three. On the form I told them I had to use Norco’s on the third and the beginning of the first day.) Well, guess what they decided? Yep, the patch again. Last month he told me I would wear the patch a month to get off the Methadone. And that I would go back to it after the month of patches. I guess that went out the window. They did up the patch from 75mg to 100mg. I couldn’t stand this anymore, so I interrupted her. I opened my notebook and began to discuss what I was feeling and thinking. I had done considerable research on medications and treatment plans. I was going to ask for a combination of medications. An option of wearing the patch, (for two days only) and also taking the methadone. I tried to tell her I needed this to try to fulfill the schedule this ball busting vocational guy was putting me through. I barely got into this and she took the conversation over again. Asking me to walk, walk on my toes, walk on my heels. All that doesn’t add up to a tinker’s damn. No consideration was given to my notes. I tried to start a conversation about the SSI process. She went back to talk to the doctor. I am thinking, what the hell, why not bring him in to my little room. 15 minutes later she came back. With all my prescriptions already written. I would be allowed to change the 100mg patch after two days, only if very necessary. And, I was told not to take any Norco’s for breakthrough pain. I was taking too many they said. I took as many as I needed when the pain got bad. I took 12 on one of the 3rd days. 4 at a time, morning, noon, and night. That isn’t a lot. I asked what I could take for breakthrough pain….no answer. And, they want me to wear some patch to help me wean off of them. Too funny. Tokio Marine didn’t authorize them yet and it will take them 3 - 4 days at least. I have never had any kind of withdrawals, (thank God). That includes Morphine, Methadone, and Vicadins. They never even considered it. I just stared at her after that. Oh, I almost forgot. About the SSI, she opened my file and re-read the MMI report to me. It states I could work 4 hours at a time for 60 days then try to go up to 5, 6, all the way to 8. I can’t sit longer then 30 minutes, and I need some special chair. Blah, blah, blah. No one is going to hire me with all those restrictions. I don’t think I can count on him for help with SSI. Even though I already have received support from my psychologist and my shrink.

Time to talk to my lawyer and find a new, non workman’s comp, pain doctor. They sent me to him and I fear he is leaning more to their side. I hope he chokes on his oath.

Their vocational guy (Patrick) called at 4:30 pm to tell me he wanted to meet Monday at a job fair. This is the second time he has done this. Calling at a late hour on a Friday for a meet on the following Monday. I let him have it. I told him I did not appreciate this tactic. In his email, which he sent just before he called, said he found out about this when he went to Oakton College last week. That was a dig for me backing out of that meeting. Something he said during the call, I can’t remember the exact wording, made me believe that he did indeed get my email last week. He had earlier claimed he never saw my email that I sent him. I am sure I caught him lying. Anyway, I told him, with some disgust in my voice, that I would be there. It will be interesting I am sure.

I know he probably works with a lot of goofballs and people faking or similar. Maybe that has jaded his outlook on how he treats people. Either way, it is not my problem. I have a saying on my emails. It is a John Wayne movie quote. It says: “I won’t be wronged, I won’t be insulted, I won’t be laid a hand upon. I don’t do these things to others. I require the same from them.” I also have a Ben Hogan quote. I had it on my desk at my old job. It said: “I do not suffer fools nicely.” These aren’t just words to me, they are a way of living. My way. There was a time that I wasn’t willing to stand up for things I believed in. I am not even sure I believed in anything then. Once I joined the Army I changed. I became a person who could believe. I gained passion. No more would people keep me down. No more would life just roll over me. I firmly believe everyone should spend some time in the military. You get what you put into it. I wish I had stayed in some times. Well, I sure got off my point. My point is he is trying to push me and get me to say I won’t drive. He wants to be able to tell Tokio Marine that I am not complying. He will never get that satisfaction. He is in for a big surprise.

The new patch of 100mg has me a bit loopy today. My back is quite and not overloading my brain. I hope, but I won’t hold my breath, that it lasts. It usually helps for a patch’s worth but then seems to stop helping after that. I have had this feeling on new meds many, many times. They help for a day or two, then my pain gets sent in waves back to my brain. I guess I will just enjoy it while it lasts. The dogs will be happy. I will walk them twice.

I haven’t written in a few days. The patch’s effectiveness lasted a day and a half. The 3rd day, (I tried going 3 days. I am always willing to give the doctor the benefit of the doubt), sucked. And, to make matter’s worse, that day was my job fair day. I was supposed to meet my vocational guy (Patrick) there at noon. The email he had sent me was not clear. I saw the sentence saying meet me blah, blah, blah. Follow the link for more information. Well, I followed the link, which had an address. But that address was for the company putting it on, not the location of the job fair. Kathy dropped me off and I went in. There I saw a sign on the company’s door saying job fair with a different address listed. I was bewildered. Where was everyone? The office was dark. After about 10 minutes I decided I had better call Kathy. I had to walk 3 blocks to find a phone. I have never owned a cell phone. I am not a big talker period. So, I called her and she turned around to come get me. Even before the ride back my back was on fire. If I had been asked to scale my pain from 1 to 10, I would have said12! The ride back home was death. It was hot as hell, me in my brace. I wasn’t having any fun. Worse yet, I had nothing to relieve the pain. (More on that in a minute.) When I got home, I instantly dialed Patrick and emailed my attorney. I left a, let’s say, interesting message for him. Jack, my attorney, emailed me back almost instantly. He said not to worry about Patrick, he would call their attorney.

When I said I had nothing to help with the pain, it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything. It was because my doctor, on my visit the day before, told me to stop taking Norco. No medication for over the top pain. He said I was using too much of it. I asked how that could be, since I never took more then prescribed? No answer. He had prescribed some patch to wean me off of them. I didn’t have the patch to wear because Tokio Marine said no to the request from Walgreens. Since it would of cost me $135.00, I wasn’t buying it on my own. Hell, Tokio Marine hasn’t even authorized the blood test for excessive narcotics use for my liver. Like I could give a #$%@. My visit to him didn’t go well at all. I went in, as usual, with my notebook full of questions. I try to research as much as possible. And I don’t think he cares for that much. He said no to combing two medications, no to increase of Nurontin, and almost said no to only wearing the patch 2 days, instead of 3. The worst thing was I was doing all this thru the nurse, he wasn’t even in my room. He stayed in his office. Like a good little boy, I did as I was told. I just laid as flat and as still as I could hoping against hope that I could fall asleep. The heat and the pain made sure that didn’t happen. I was feeling really low as I have been in some time. Just then, the phone rang, and it was Jack. He proceeded to tell me I was done with Patrick (Mr. Job Fair). We had reached a settlement with Tokio Marine! The amount will never cover what I had been thru or what I had lost, but Jack did good. He balked at their offers time after time. He had gotten us a court date and was ready and willing to go before an arbitrator. As was I, and I think that scared them. I was getting my settlement, a fund for medical expenses until Medicare kicks in, and my back monies for rehab and weekly checks. It will be enough to pay my bills and move back home. That’s all I wanted. He also got favorable wording in the settlement for the next step. Getting SSI. He also put me in touch with a top notch lawyer for SSI. I am hear to tell you, Jack is hell of a lawyer, and a really good guy. As soon as I got off the phone I did two things. I called my wife and gave her the news. Then I went to my stash and took 4 Norco’s. I relaxed and was able to get a good night’s sleep.

So, now you are up to date. I am looking forward to the 29th. That is signing day. First thing on the agenda is to find out when I can tap into the medical monies. I am going to try to see if the SCS will work on me. Hopefully it will and I can have it implanted. I so want that to help so I won’t have to rely on pills and patches to get around on. And I won’t have to put up with doctors that are afraid to prescribe adequate pain relief.

Ahhhhh, Sunday morning. I love mornings in general, but Sunday mornings are my favorite. There is nothing but crap on TV, so no reason to turn it on. The house is still. Everyone but me likes to sleep in. I usually get up earlier on weekend mornings then during the week. I can get so much done. Give me a good cup of coffee and a silent morning I could change the world. At least my world. Today is even more special. My grandbaby is here and coming over later. Tom and Kara flew in yesterday from California. I haven’t seen them since before Tom did his ship cruise to Japan. He is due to get out of the military soon. While, at first, I wished he would have stayed in for more then one tour. I am now glad he is getting out. The world is crazy now, I fear the military will have to pay a heavy burden in the coming years. Sad. Off topic a bit, now back to glad. Meadow was just starting to sit up on her last visit. Now she must be crawling around. I may buy Tom and Kara a nice dinner somewhere just so I can baby sit.

Since I started to wear my patch only two days, instead of three, I feel a bit better. If I could only get the doctor to add methadone I might feel like moving around more. My psychologist agreed that I was better on the methadone vs. the fentynal patch. She also stated that few doctors would prescribe two medications because of fear. She stated, that with my high tolerance level to drugs, I could handle and do well using both. Why couldn’t she have been my primary doctor? Oh well. Time to go enjoy the day. As well as I can enjoy things right now.

.