eklord's Journal

I haven't had a lot of flashbacks since November, but in the past two weeks I am getting a lot of new ones.  Just this morning, I learned that the guy who raped me also put his finger in my rectum, but I don't recall if he put his finger in my anus or not.  This flashback happened when I was on the verge of waking up earlier today.

Oh, I watched Law and Order:  Special Victims Unit, and they had an episode that acted exactly like Michael (the guy who raped me).  He called the women sluts, and claimed that they consented (when they weren't any of that) as well as filmed them too.  He gave them a drug where they wouldn't remember anything from the rape.  See what I mean?  Michael acted just like this guy on tv.  Oh, the guy on tv also had a porn addiction too (same as Michael).  Lots of the same characteristics.  I ended up crying about half way through it because the same stuff they hit on in the show, were the exact stuff that Michael did to me.  I think I cried at least 15-20 minutes, but it was a good cry and I needed it.  I did tell my fianc'e about it.  We both still think that he had to of filmed or recorded it because he tampered with the evidence before the police got there, so they would not find much to not have a case against him.  The guy on tv had it planned, and so did Michael.  I thought you might want to know.

This is one reason why I have not slept real well lately besides wedding planning and school.  Uggghhh!!!!!  I just want to go back to living a normal life again.  I hate having flashbacks because everytime I have them I don't want to be intimate with my future mate by giving him kisses.  Uggghhhh!!!!