Journal

 Well I am still waiting and waiting for my period but not yet I am 4 days late and it is aggravating. I have taken a test and it was neg. I really wish that it would just come so I can go on if I am not. It is not fair I have been through enough turmoil over losing my Daughter I really do not need this false hope. Everyone has been telling me to not think about it but it is so hard noy to. I just keep remembering that I took a test with Angel the first time it was neg and a week later it was positive so I am just so confused. I am trying to distract myself but it just does not work I just want it so bad and I am afraid that I have just come to be a bit obsessed with the idea of being pregnant that I cannot think about anything else. I just wish that I would either start my period or be pregnant and know it. Good God please give me the strength to understand your reasoning of why this is happening to me right now.t 

  Well today has been a good day. I am almost done with my Christmas shopping my girls have made out this year already. I am still hoping and praying that I will get what I want for Christmas. Anyways I am testing to see when  am fertile so far nothing yet this month should be next week I am thinking but you never know. It would be wonderful if i got pregnant this month cause this month last year is when I got pregnant with Angel and her due date was Aug 9 and so if it happens this month the due date is only a 4 day difference but since I would have to have a c section I could probably have the baby anytime. Anyways hopefully it is in gods plan and I am putting it all in his hands.

 Well today I went to pay my car insurance at their office I sat down with the owner  we started talking about our children and he told me he had 2 boys and I told him about my girls and also my Angel and I explained to him what happened and He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said that is so awful to hear and I hope you are coping. He then said that had to be the hardest thing a mother would have to go through and that he was sorry. Yes this came out of a mans mouth and I was shocked. Today marks 6 months since Angel went to be with Jesus and all I can do is think about her and wonder what she should have looked like today. Had she been born she would be 3 months old now. Her short presence in my life has given me the will to fight everyday to make it to Heaven when God calls me and be able to see that beautiful baby girl and hear her call me momma.