hate
April 4, 2009 8:04am
Really struggling with everything at the moment. Work. Relationship. Kids. Life.
Last night while fighting with S, I walked out and sat in my …
Iwantotbehappy
3:39am, November 14, 2008
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About Me
Iwantotbehappy
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About Me
I'm 31 years old. I'm a blackjack dealer at Crown Casino. I was first diagnosed with depression about 5yrs ago. This has been upgraded over the 5 years to - bipolar, depression, anxiety, OCD, pyschosis and schitzophrenia (not sure how to spell that one). I live with my boyfriend, who for some reason, still is with me, even after my suicide attempts and out of character occurances. I know that he's finding it really really hard to deal with me and I don't blame him. Sometimes i'm not sure who has more problems, him or me?? lol I hate myself at the best of times for what I put him through. I am taking 6 pills a day which my life revolves around. My aunt (my dads sister) and my dads aunt both also had bi-polar. They both stopped taking their meds and both ended up killing themselves (not together though :-p). Not sure how it all works, but if i'm taking my meds and want to kill myself, what would happen if i stopped!!
I'm 31 years old. I'm a blackjack dealer at Crown Casino. I was first diagnosed with depression about 5yrs ago. This has been upgraded over the 5 years to - bipolar, depression, anxiety, OCD, pyschosis and schitzophrenia (not sure how to spell that one). I live with my boyfriend, who for some reason, still is with me, even after my suicide attempts and out of character occurances. I know that he's finding it really really hard to deal with me and I don't blame him. Sometimes i'm not sure who has
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Interests
blahhhhh what are these things? I'm trying to get back at the gym, but the gym is at work and for some reason, i'm hardly ever at work these days.
blahhhhh what are these things? I'm trying to get back at the gym, but the gym is at work and for some
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Recent Activity
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Journal
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NYE
December 31, 2008 12:58am
New Years Eve... A time of happiness. A time of fun. A time to be with people who are close to your heart. A time to reflect on the year that's …
This entry is private
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Hugbook
Hug
Still here if you need to rant at someone - Big Hugs. Rab.
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Hug
Hope that things have improved for you - Let me know. Big Hugs. Rab.
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Hug
Hope you are feeling OK - haven't been around for a while - but still check my messages :-) Love and Hugs. Rab.
Little Love
at least u can go out for a walk but i am stuck in this prison cell called home cuz i am too sick. oh well hope u feel better. thx for ur love. i am just pissed but i will be ok. ok nite. i hope one day i see why god put me thru so much bullshit
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Hug
have a great weekend
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Photos
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Support Groups
Close Bipolar Disorder
Misery misery and more misery... but no wait. HAPPY then misery
Treatments
- Lithium Working / Worked
- Only have recently started on this. Had my blood test which showed I wasn't taking enough, so have doubled my dose. Hopefully this helps.
- Writing Working / Worked
- I find getting my feelings out on paper is really relieving for me.
- Zyprexa Working / Worked
- This is only a recent addition to get me through the day. I hate the fact that i've put on so much weight however.
Close Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionI was first diagnosed after I had my twins. They were 6mths old when I first starting hitting them and hating them. I spent over a month in a mother baby unit, then seeing my psych weekly, blah blah you know the drill. It did go really well, then I had a massive relapse, where it was the darkest, deepest hole. Since that it's never really got much better.
Treatments
Open Schizophrenia
I've only recently been diagnosed with Schizophrenia (now I know how to spell it as well :-P) so can't really say much more. I hate it and haven't adapted to what it's doing to me. My boyfriend has seen me at the worst of times and from what he says, it's not pretty.
Treatments
- Zyprexa Working / Worked
- Just started on it as well as taking Seroquel of a night time. Pissed off coz that means I can't drink as much lol. At least now i'm a cheap date I guess ha ha.
Open Self-Injury
I have been trying to harm myself for quite a while now. Usually i've managed to hide most of it. Whether it be scratching my skin off my face, wrists or head or getting anything sharp onto myself or just burning myself with cigarettes.... i've managed to not hurt myself for a month now I think, which is really good
Open Breakups & Divorce
Married for 5yrs, 3 kids. I left the lot of them about 4yrs ago as I fell out of love with him. He cheated on me 3 times, claimed no responsibility for his kids until he quit work to look after them and make me work full time (which I was doing while he was working also & he still wondered why the house was a mess!). Recently, my 1st serious r'ship. Have been together close to 2yrs. He has been lying to me & keeping secrets in regard to going out with other girls. This was from the start.
Treatments
- Couples Counseling Not Working
- Tried it with the marriage, but to me it was already over. It was probably over before we even got married. I outgrew him and just knew it wasn't meant to be.
- Forgiveness Not Working
- I tried forgiving him so many times, but he just kept on trampling on me like I was just dirt on the street. The lies never stopped, they just kept on getting worse. Also found out that when he says he'll talk about it and he'll change... he didn't really mean it, he was just saying it to get me back.
- Leave Working / Worked
- I left my ex hubby with the kids. As it was my choice to leave due to falling out of love with him. I regret with all of my heart leaving my babies, but due to a breakdown, I was not able to look after them myself, so figured it was in their best interests to stay with their dad. The best thing I could have done was to leave him... I just wish I did it earlier.
- Pets Working / Worked
- 2 cats and a dog. They are beautiful.
- Talking Working / Worked
- Trying not overwhelm people with what's happened. But if they want to show a caring ear, i'm happy to talk it out.
- Time Working / Worked
- Time heals all wounds...
