mom4's Journal

  Well, its been a while since I have written anything. I have been busy trying to do things I have put off.

 Such as , going to the dentist, I hate it , and I mean HATE IT, but it is a necessary evil we all have to endure, so I did. I had a cavity (of course) already had it filled. No novacaine either, i wore my BIG GIRL panties that day.LOL  Actually it was small enough where they said it probably wouldnt hurt and it didnt.

Next was the Gyno, the second worst thing in the world, but I did my womanly duty and had all that checked out, everything came back normal. Thank God, I had cancer when I was 18 so, it causes some extra stress when that rolls around everyyear.

I am trying to get Jacob into this thing called the Star program, they deal only with autistic and autism spectrum disorders, the meds are really not the answer, he needs some kind of therapy, we are not getting that with the pill pushing Psychiatrist so I am exploring other avenues. I dont know what else to do I feel very desperate sometimes. I love him I truly do, but his behavior sometimes makes it hard and it hurts me to my soul to admit that but I have to be honest, it is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life. My other children feed off of things he does and its just not good so I'm hoping this program can help, they work with the siblings and parents. I really hope it is the answer I am looking for.

  My baby is now pulling to stand up. I thought she was kind of behind since it took her so long to crawl but now it is gang ho forward full speed...... PLEASE slow down baby, she is my last and I want to enjoy this time with her for as long as I can. She is my last, my tubes are tied and I want to baby her as long as I can because they all grow up too quickly these days. I wish I had listened when I was a kid to my parents when they told me dont rush growing up you'll wish you were a kid again when you get there!!! Boy, aint that the truth.......................

  Jacob is going through this thing about growing up and dying, Jacob is the only one who wants to stay a kid. His brother has had him in tears several times about turning 18 and moving out and dying.  Jacob thinks once he turns 18 he has to leave or that I'm going to die and leave him alone. I have to tell you it has made me cry, my poor baby, he doesnt understand, I have tried to explain to him I will not leave him and I wont kick him out  when he grows up, I dont know if he believes me or not. I really think his brother is enjoying teasing him about this and making him cry. Then he started in on why does god take our lives away and that got Jacob crying again, my words to Caelen, SHUT UP!!!! enough was enough.   

  I need to go on a diet and seriously lose some weight. I think that is my theme for the year, I need to get healthy for me and my family. My mom is going to give me her stuff from weight watchers. I hope I can stick to it. I think I can. I have got to do something. Wish me luck!!! One of my friends on here is doing it and has lost some weight so it gives me hope.

  Well, I guess I better get going and go home to my hubby and kids. I need a vacation, I think I am going to go home to Vermont this spring with my mom for my Uncles funeral. He passed away Dec. and he was my moms favorite brother. I have not been home for about 16years. Wow, that is bad. All my mothers family is there, she is the only one out of 8 kids that moved away. I think it would mean alot to her for me to go. And I havent seen my cousins or their children other than pictures.

  Well, I hope you all have a goodnight.             melissa