mom4's Journal

  Well, tonight was weight watchers night,

 I am now officially 18 pounds lighter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  What I want to know, is why dont I feel 18 pounds lighter???

Do I feel better, hell yeah!!

The face, yeah, it seems slimmer.

The undies, a little saggy in the butt.

The shirts bigger............

But I look at myself in the mirror and I see the same fat woman staring back at me:(

I am proud of where I am, dont get me wrong but I want to see it and I dont.

It is frustrating and I am having a hard time with this.

My husband say's it's because I see myself everyday and that is why I dont notice it. Is that it?? who knows. ..................................

The leader at WW says we see ourselves change last, I think I am so used to seeing this over weight woman looking back at me I cant see anything else yet.

Then I have the mother doing her guilt trip magic except it is not working!!! HA HA

She did not go again tonight because she went to the doctor today and she said she wasnt paying twice to be told she was fatter than when she started. Whatever!!!

Give me a F  kin break!!! She tried to pull this, my daughter wont walk with me cuz I'm too slow for her now, I've been kicked to the curb, I feel like it is hopeless, I have no one to help me.

HELLO????? Can you say you have to help yourself first lady!!!!! NO one can get the weight off but you!!!!

Then she had the nerve to say it is my fault she is overweight because I wont exercise with her!!!

SHe pissed me off tonight!! Um, excuse me, I'm responsible for MY being fat. You are responsible for you being fat!!

I was like where the hell do you get off??? I told her I am not responsible for her being fat and she was laughing and saying yes you are, you wont walk with me, you wont help me!!!

I flat out told her I am not responsibler for your fat. I had had enough. I hung up shortly after that.

I have enough to deal with with my body image and self esteem, I dont need her load of shit!! 

I find it hard to talk about at the meetings, my weight and the loss of all this fat is a very emotional thing for me. I get choked up  trying to talk about it.

 I think it is due to the fact that I have always been a chubby to fat girl. Never skinny, always curvy, boobs. PICKED ON, told by family I was fat and need to lose weight, always looking for acceptence by family and friends and never feeling I got it because I was to chunky to love, to fat to care about. My father ALWAYS made me feel bad, always telling me I was too heavy, I needed to lose the chub, I wasnt healthy, blah, blah, blah....................

Cant you just love me anyway????? Cant I be good enough for you anyway??? Even if I am fat?? Cant you love me fat?? Can you only truly care about me if I am thin??

 He's so proud of me right now, I've lost 18 pds. That is what it takes to make him happy and proud of his daughter, for me not to be an embarrassment to him and his perfect world with his skinny bitch wife and his other daughter who is 20 yrs younger than me and is skinny and spoiled rotten and just perfect!!

Yuck!!!! I am going to puke, he makes me ill....

I got news for him and my mother,

   This time, it is for ME!!!!! for me people!!!! I am losing this weight for myself, not for him, not for her, all her guilt, all their shit!!!!

It is my turn in life for me!!!!!! 

This hurt, sexually abused, fat little girl, who has been searching and longing for love and acceptance from her family,  is turning into the beautiful loved woman that she finally is finding she has the strength to be.....she just has to shed this suit of FAT armor that she has been wearing for way to long......................  

I see thinner woman jogging down the street or out walking and now when I pass them in the car or see them when I am out walking, I dont think I hate you skinny bitch, I think I am going to look like you soon!!!!!!

I dont need my dad to approve of me and be proud of me, I need to approve and be proud of me. For myself and my children.

It is a time of healing, and I think I am finally ready.........It has been a long time coming........

 I have a long way to go but I am on my way..............