blondie073's Journal

Some things scare me. A tumor didn't scare me, the two funerals this year didn't scare me, having to repeat some of my classes doesn't scare me. But some things do scare me. Like the fact that I know my mom isn't telling the truth about her eye.

She has a deformity in her cornea which produces irregular cells. It tears apart the layers of the eye which is very painful and her sight isn't what it used to be. Right now she has a contact lens in to hold her cornea in place so it won't fall apart and it won't hurt as much. She also has to wear sunglasses everywhere... even to bed.

She's trying to play it off like it's not that big a deal (though she does complain a lot) but I know it's bigger than it is. For one thing, she makes secret phone calls in her bedroom with the door locked, which she's never done before. Also, I heard her saying this when she was talking to a family member: "I just don't feel my life is over. It's not my time to go. Now, don't go on only my words, because it could change in an instant. But right now I don't think it's my time."

Does this mean she's going to die? Well, of course she's going to die, but how serious is this eye problem? What could be wrong with it that might cause her death?

In other news, my aunt, who's been trying to have a baby for years, and has tried many different things including surgery, might move to Quebec. Her doctor says something about a new thing going on there that might help. I don't know the details. All I know is my grandparents will move with her, and since they own the house I live in, that means my family will have to move, too. I don't really want to move to a whole new province. Not when I'm finally finding my spot here. I don't make friends very well and I don't know how I'd do if I was uprooted and dragged to Quebec. Toronto is my home. It's my birthplace. It's where my hospital is, where my friends are, where my life is. Can I just pack up and leave? I never planned on leaving period! Still, I'd like my aunt to have a baby. So I guess I could suck it up and move if we have to. And I could probably make friends, but it would be hard. And it would hurt, not having my amazing school to go to and not have my amazing friends. I know I've been without Erin and Sam since grade 8, but it would be harder to be in a different province. We'd never get together. Also, I've found an amazing friend in Maria, and I really don't want to have to give that up. I mean, Maggie had to move all the way to Vancouver, and I know that was hard for her though she managed, but could I deal with it? After everything I've gone through already?

I can see it now. I get to school, the teacher introduces me to my homeroom class, they all stare. Some people smile sweetly, but no one wants to talk to the new girl. Maybe I'll make one friend, just one. She'll be nice, but she'll have other friends and she might speak only French. I'm pretty fluent, I have been speaking it since I was five, but still.... could I ONLY talk in French? I might die. I get scared when I watch Brittish TV for too long because I feel like I'm drowning in their accents. People would make fun of me, no one would really care for me, I'd probably fail more classes.... everything would blow up in my face. It would suck balls.

But if my aunt really wants a baby..... maybe I could suck it up? Maybe...