blondie073's Journal

Every time someone sees my scars and asks what happened I don't want to tell them. They prod and pry and say they really want to know, but a voice in my head always says: "You don't want to know me back then." I don't want them to know who I used to be. I don't like who I used to be. I was a horrible person back then and I'm so ashamed.

These dumbass things I said back then are still haunting me now and I'm so pissed. Pissed at myself, not anyone else. Why was I so dumb? How could I think the things that I did would make the situation any better? I'm a loser. A dumb loser. For saying and doing all of that from my past. I wish I could erase it all.

I don't even know if I like the person I'm becoming. That's a horrible thing to admit. I don't like who I used to be, I don't  like who I am now, I don't like who I'm becoming.

I can be such a bitch to people I love and I'm so ashamed. I hurt people I care about and I wish I didn't, because I really do care about them.

I had a dream last night. Last night, I dreamt Tai came back. It was an amazing dream.
He was in my house, in the Blue Room, with his mom and sister. I went upstairs and found him and he wrapped me in a big hug. He was so excited to see me. I asked why he was here, and he said he wanted to see me. He'd already been there twice before when I wasn't home, and he wanted to actually see me in person. We lay down on the floor, our heads touching, and he noticed a bruise on my face. He asked me who'd hit me. I refused to tell him. He apologized profusely for abusing me in the past and claimed he'd changed. I wanted to believe him so bad. We eventually made our way to my room, and he was surprised it was clean. Except there were jeans everywhere, which I knew weren't mine. We got to talking, lying on my bed in each others arms (like we always used to do), and he stroked hair out of my face and told me he'd never stopped loving me. Then my dad came in with two bowls of dinner for us. We jumped away from each other and thanked him for the food. I didn't eat mine, but Tai forced me to. He said I wasn't going to start that shit again with him. He wanted to see me healthy. Just like he used to say. After we'd finished, he filled his bowl with candy and we pigged out. He told me how happy he was to finally be with me again. I admitted that I'd wished for him on every star and every 11:11, hoping he'd finally come back. He said we were meant to be together and I believed him. It all seemed so real. I was crying because I was so happy and he kissed the tears away like he'd done every time when we were together. I told him I wanted to be with him forever and he told me he wanted the same. He said that nothing could keep us apart, even after everything we'd gone through. He admitted he loved me and he had no idea why he'd ever hurt me. But I knew why. Because he was hurting and that was how he took out his pain. I cut myself, he hurt others. I hugged him one last time and told him to wait for me. Because I finally understood it was a dream. I didn't want it to end, but I could hear my mom calling and I knew I'd have to get out of my dream soon, anyway. He promised to change and to never stop loving me.
I woke up with tears in my eyes and I felt so alone. But a part of me thought it was real. A part of me was disappointed when the jeans were all gone and his bowl wasn't sitting by my mirror. I know I love him. I just wish the day would come when he could look me in the eyes again. I can't believe I ruined my one true love, my one true friendship, with the truth.

My mom says that we probably met on the astrofield. Tai and me. That was why it felt so real, and maybe a part of him will realize that my dream words were true. I love him so much. I wish I hadn't screwed it up. I wish I hadn't told anyone about him abusing me. I still love him. How can I ever love anyone else when I know I love him?