blondie073's Journal

I'm scared. I really am. I know it's lame, but what if the mass turns out to be a cancerous tumor? I'm 15....

I don't mind going in for the MRI because that kind of test doesn't scare me. It's when they put meds into me that I get worried. My body has a tendency of rejecting things.

I'm worried that this mass will be a tumor that needs to be removed and I'll have to go in for surgery. I've always had this feeling that I'd die young and now that there's all this possibility for fatalities, Im scared.

Emma wrote a poem. I believe it's about me. It makes sense.

You say these words that mean nothing more than a grade
but the way you say
it sends shivers down my spine.

I look into your eyes and try to find
but you have blocked it all out.

There is a wall that separates you
from who you want to be
I don’t know who you want to be
but I do know you.

Your eyes and your smile
I know them all too well
So dont try to hide
for you know that I know
what you want no one to know.

And your life
its all messed up now
you say you don’t want to go back
I know you want to go back.

Remember when you laughed
And cried and you did it with no help?

Do you remember?
I remember.

And I will never be able to forget.
All I want is for you to come back
For you to love yourself
For you to understand again.

I want you to be happy
With no help
I want you to laugh at the things that are truly funny
Not the things your mind makes up.

You have lost your creativity
Your love and passion.

Take it all back please
Don’t make me worry for you.

She says that part about crying and doing it with no help. Well, I hadn't cried in about a year and she knew that. One night we were together and all our emotions came out and I cried. She took my hand and put it up to my cheek so I could feel my tears. She was proud of me.

In my LiveJournal, I was talking about how I don't want to go back. I know she reads it. She wrote that part about me saying I don't want to go back and her knowing I do want to go back. But she admits that she wants me back too....  

On the bus ride where she talked to me, she kept saying how she wanted me to be happy and confident. She said she wanted to make peace. :P

This is all confusing but at least all this Emma stuff keeps my mind off of the mass on my kidney.