I am having a horrible. day. I …
I am having a horrible. day. I don't know what to do anymore. and it seems like no one cares
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blondie073 
12:45pm, November 23, 2009
I made a mistake awhile ago. At the time it didn't seem like a big mistake, but it's huge. And now it's come back to fuck me over. I have to come up with the money or go to court. But court costs money. I have no money! This is eating a hole inside of me and tormenting me and wrapping it's slimy little claws around my soul and squeezing the life out of me. How am I supposed to deal with this now? Why couldn't it come at me when I was feeling better? Why does all the shit hit the fan at the same time? Fucking hell I'm sad. I want to go back to that blade and slice away everything, but then I'll have tried for nothing. All this shit hurts me so much and I just want to scream or cry or something! Why can't I feel anything?! Why can't I express any emotion? Why am I sitting here with a blank look on my face, typing calmly, while my insides are burning?
I can't deal with this. I can't. I just fucking can't. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to have to see people and fake a smile and pretend like it's all okay, because it's not. Because I'm hurting again and I want to cut really badly. Because I miss all my old friends and the life I had before therapy and intervention. Because I just want to go back to kindergarten and sit on the tiny carpets with my best friends and laugh and giggle and kiss the boys and know that life is amazing. Because back then, life was amazing.
I HATE THIS! I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS! PLEASE, PLEASE SOMEONE, ANYONE, WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE IN WHICH I'VE GROWN UP AND SCREWED UP MY LIFE. TELL ME I'M DREAMING AND THAT IN REALITY I'M SOME RAT IN THE GUTTERS AND I'LL DIE IN A FEW DAYS. LET ME KNOW THAT MY LIFE IS SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT AND AFFECTS NO ONE. PLEASE, WAKE MY UP FROM MY NIGHTMARES.
I'm a litle upset. I'm a little scared. I'm a little worried. I'm a little shit. I'm a little nothing. Please let me be a nothing. Please let my life be insignificant and puny and not this one. Please, anyone...
I can't deal with this. I can't. I just fucking can't. I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to have to see people and fake a smile and pretend like it's all okay, because it's not. Because I'm hurting again and I want to cut really badly. Because I miss all my old friends and the life I had before therapy and intervention. Because I just want to go back to kindergarten and sit on the tiny carpets with my best friends and laugh and giggle and kiss the boys and know that life is amazing. Because back then, life was amazing.
I HATE THIS! I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH! I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS! PLEASE, PLEASE SOMEONE, ANYONE, WAKE ME UP FROM THIS NIGHTMARE IN WHICH I'VE GROWN UP AND SCREWED UP MY LIFE. TELL ME I'M DREAMING AND THAT IN REALITY I'M SOME RAT IN THE GUTTERS AND I'LL DIE IN A FEW DAYS. LET ME KNOW THAT MY LIFE IS SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT AND AFFECTS NO ONE. PLEASE, WAKE MY UP FROM MY NIGHTMARES.
I'm a litle upset. I'm a little scared. I'm a little worried. I'm a little shit. I'm a little nothing. Please let me be a nothing. Please let my life be insignificant and puny and not this one. Please, anyone...
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