rmaia's Journal

A few nights ago I had a strange dream- and I dont remember dreams often or have a whole dream that is powerful in its emotions. I was living at home with my parents again in this dream, but my age  and still mom of 2 boys and my HS/college boyfriend was in town visiting his family; and he made the decision to leave his wife for me...This is especially all around strange in real life as I left him years ago-- because I was his first serious g/f and he wanted to date other people and I had enough of his rollercoaster- he was darn flaky....well fastforward- he stayed in contact off and on, and I knew his baby sister- she had been like family to me in the almost 3 years I dated him- well I graduated college when she (baby sister) did, we both had a fine arts backgrounds and I recommended her to teach in a program I used to work in.... so I hear that he got married and the story of his proposal, he was about to propose to his long time g/f and realized on his way there that he was in love with the friend who had taken him to the airport (his now wife) STILL DAMN Flaky ( I knew he put too much into the sleepless in Seattle shit he actually watched with me back in the day). Well- after hearing that I felt perhaps free of my decision to leave him years ago- like I was right in my thinking. Well in college he had asked me if we were still together 8 years later would I marry him. I loved him in a crazy way I cant explain, not a first love or a crush- we had our knockdown drag outs esp. since I had stayed in our home town for my senior year in highschool while he went away to college and was in a frat which would make him go out when they KNEW he had told me he would call (they hazed him like crazy then). I followed him to college the following year. And we were on and off, which was exceptionally painful and lonely for me, but he knew a part of me and a side of me that no one else in this world knows(the coolest valentines gift ever was he traded an amp of his for an electric guitar and lessons from a friend for me- it was just so into who I was at the time and what I wanted to be and learn-- he got it, and he took something precious of his to give it to me)- and that is so real. Since I left him my choices in b/f had been very well...aside from my husband very damaging.

Why this crazy dream?  He would call every once in a while after married, sounding unsettled- I had my oldest son already...we compared life notes, I felt very secure in my choice for my husband (who in some ways when we met reminded me of the good parts of this ex- and was the total opposite in many othe rrespects)  and felt that the ex hs bf was calling to see if he hadn't missed out with me(even after he married his wife)- (I dont know why I got that feeling, but I did- just the questions and his responses he gave when asked about his life) I e-mailed him a bit ago, got short response and have not heard much- but had asked if he would ask his wife regarding er opinion on MPA or MBA ( he e-mailed back  in uncharacteristically short fashion even for him asking if I had heard from her- (and I think she is unnecessarily worried about me) but I wrote him back stating that with her job and being a new mommy she was probably overwhelmed..)...funny thing life- she manages a non-profit. All things aside I think his little sister is right- if I met his wife and she had no earthly idea who I was- I think we would be friends....

 What was the strong emotion attached to the dream after waking? Why was it comforting and unsettling? I dont get it. My marriage is not a joke- it is not as strong or as invested and loving as I had hoped, but I am committed to it. What gives? I have sometimes wondered what my life would be like if my partner and I were a bit closer in age...but dont feel this is it. I am stumped- feel free to weigh in. this is weighing on me.

 My mother had her surgery. She is in the hospital tonight...hence my sleeplessness. The AARDS thing years ago and my incessant habit of worry(which I KNOW is not a helpful thing, I am working through processing all of it though). Alec went with me and curled up in her bed and watched TV with her- they watched lemurs on Animal Planet. She is so fragile anymore. For a small woman- while I was growing up she seemed so capable and so darn strong. Surgery was more extensive than hoped- had to do large incision- she had torn 3 out of four tendons in her shoulder as well as cartilage. Alec had to go to get her flowers and then chose pink roses for his Nana- my son who can be such a hard head- is also the sweetest boy ever- when I started to protest the time to get the flowers ( 20 blocks the other direction from the hospital) I realized how important this felt to him at 5 and how it would make my mom feel. He was so proud to bring her flowers just from him. I am so proud of how caring he can be.