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rmaia 
Good evening with the girls. Bunko- I used to dread it...I struggle to socialize with people. I am feeling so much more comfortable in my own skin. I wish I KNEW the secret to being in this state, to find it when I am out of it....
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Anyone else hating daylight savings time? I cant sleep. I am tired, but it is too early according to my clock.... All is well. Went to see my mom tonight. Dad got antsy when Damian spilled water they keep for the dogs on the tile- I cleaned it up and realized that my mess is a reaction against his obsessiveness- which makes me itch inside. I need to strike a healthy balance. My mom is doing better- pain but she is better. She is going to go nuts not being able to do- I am so much that way too.... Damian is teething- saw another one break though the gums- at least now ther eis a concrete reason for the behavior and clingyness- I was worried about another ear infection (no fever though) glad to know it is teething- hate that he is in pain. ALec is learning to ride a skateboard- wishing I had learned- I am scared of everything where I caould fall- how silly is that?! I need to learn to skate with him I think. The boys ate up the sunshine today when we went to the walking park. I needed that. We went looking at furniture and Alec after we left one sotre said "when are we going to another store?" I had to laugh cuz I had not coached him to say it... I am looking for real furniture for the boys- beds and dressers. My boys are beautiful. Frustrating and demanding, but beautiful and intelligent, and amazing. damian is creating ideas with a combination of verbalization and using created hand gestures and body language to express his world- it is so very different from Alec who talked - but it shows his ability to watch and learn ( he is very visual), ALec is making jokes and is just an amazing kid when he is nit aserting his independence.... both are so bright. I am blessed.
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Hi - I am actually really scared of falling, too, and I limit myself from going too fast because of it! I am certain I could not ride a skateboard, but I know other women that do, and if you wanted to you could definitely do it! Your boys do sound amazing, thanks for sharing them with us. I am ok with daylight savings because I am excited for it to be lighter later!
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I'm having trouble adjusting to the time change, my internal clock is still a mess. I am going to stop using my light box therapy and see if that helps.
Great news that your mother is improving! I've kept you all in my thoughts and prayers.
I so glad that you can see how sweet and precious these little moments are with your boys.......you will never regret taking the time to stop and reflect.
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You mean I was supposed to change the time on my clock? No wonder my programs aren't showing when they're supposed to. j/k It hasn't really affected me, probably b/c I can get away w/waking up late anyway.
I remember my 1st skateboard. It wasn't anything special b/c I never rode it on the street; I was too afraid. I just rode it on level ground and for short distances.
A few nights ago I had a strange dream- and I dont remember dreams often or have a whole dream that is powerful in its emotions. I was living at home with my parents again in this dream, but my age and still mom of 2 boys and my HS/college boyfriend was in town visiting his family; and he made the decision to leave his wife for me...This is especially all around strange in real life as I left him years ago-- because I was his first serious g/f and he wanted to date other people and I had enough of his rollercoaster- he was darn flaky....well fastforward- he stayed in contact off and on, and I knew his baby sister- she had been like family to me in the almost 3 years I dated him- well I graduated college when she (baby sister) did, we both had a fine arts backgrounds and I recommended her to teach in a program I used to work in.... so I hear that he got married and the story of his proposal, he was about to propose to his long time g/f and realized on his way there that he was in love with the friend who had taken him to the airport (his now wife) STILL DAMN Flaky ( I knew he put too much into the sleepless in Seattle shit he actually watched with me back in the day). Well- after hearing that I felt perhaps free of my decision to leave him years ago- like I was right in my thinking. Well in college he had asked me if we were still together 8 years later would I marry him. I loved him in a crazy way I cant explain, not a first love or a crush- we had our knockdown drag outs esp. since I had stayed in our home town for my senior year in highschool while he went away to college and was in a frat which would make him go out when they KNEW he had told me he would call (they hazed him like crazy then). I followed him to college the following year. And we were on and off, which was exceptionally painful and lonely for me, but he knew a part of me and a side of me that no one else in this world knows(the coolest valentines gift ever was he traded an amp of his for an electric guitar and lessons from a friend for me- it was just so into who I was at the time and what I wanted to be and learn-- he got it, and he took something precious of his to give it to me)- and that is so real. Since I left him my choices in b/f had been very well...aside from my husband very damaging.
Why this crazy dream? He would call every once in a while after married, sounding unsettled- I had my oldest son already...we compared life notes, I felt very secure in my choice for my husband (who in some ways when we met reminded me of the good parts of this ex- and was the total opposite in many othe rrespects) and felt that the ex hs bf was calling to see if he hadn't missed out with me(even after he married his wife)- (I dont know why I got that feeling, but I did- just the questions and his responses he gave when asked about his life) I e-mailed him a bit ago, got short response and have not heard much- but had asked if he would ask his wife regarding er opinion on MPA or MBA ( he e-mailed back in uncharacteristically short fashion even for him asking if I had heard from her- (and I think she is unnecessarily worried about me) but I wrote him back stating that with her job and being a new mommy she was probably overwhelmed..)...funny thing life- she manages a non-profit. All things aside I think his little sister is right- if I met his wife and she had no earthly idea who I was- I think we would be friends....
What was the strong emotion attached to the dream after waking? Why was it comforting and unsettling? I dont get it. My marriage is not a joke- it is not as strong or as invested and loving as I had hoped, but I am committed to it. What gives? I have sometimes wondered what my life would be like if my partner and I were a bit closer in age...but dont feel this is it. I am stumped- feel free to weigh in. this is weighing on me.
My mother had her surgery. She is in the hospital tonight...hence my sleeplessness. The AARDS thing years ago and my incessant habit of worry(which I KNOW is not a helpful thing, I am working through processing all of it though). Alec went with me and curled up in her bed and watched TV with her- they watched lemurs on Animal Planet. She is so fragile anymore. For a small woman- while I was growing up she seemed so capable and so darn strong. Surgery was more extensive than hoped- had to do large incision- she had torn 3 out of four tendons in her shoulder as well as cartilage. Alec had to go to get her flowers and then chose pink roses for his Nana- my son who can be such a hard head- is also the sweetest boy ever- when I started to protest the time to get the flowers ( 20 blocks the other direction from the hospital) I realized how important this felt to him at 5 and how it would make my mom feel. He was so proud to bring her flowers just from him. I am so proud of how caring he can be.
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I'm so glad to hear that your mother is doing well. She way seem frail and delicate lying there in that hospital bed.... but rest assured she is still as strong as you remember her from your youth. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
About your dream.....I will often have dreams where I've returned "home" and both my parents are still there like it was during my youth, except I will be the age I am now. I associate those dreams with times during my life when I feel fragile and vulnerable inside. Times when I have been putting on a facade of strength and courage for everyone and attempting to convince myself that I am strong. Maybe we go "home" in our unconscious mind to satisfy a need. Did the old boyfriend fill a particular need that is lacking in your marriage? Did a recent event stir up memories of your old flame?
Just weighing in.....
Healing Hugs for you and your family,
Robin
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I think it's always hard to let go of times in our life when we have had to be the one to make the hard decision, like you did, and it's compounded by the fact that he is still in touch with you and seems like he is still searching for something he may never find, because what he is looking for is inside himself but he is looking outside. I am not sure about the dream, though, or the significance of it, maybe you are searching in a way, too?
I am glad your mom is going to be ok, I know surgery is stressful....
Hang in there this week....!
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p.s. That was sooooo sweet of Alec about the flowers!!!!
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It's always a struggle for me too, though many people tell me I am social - a people person, I don't really feel like it! I feel awkward quite often! Bunko is fun, though, and I am glad you are feeling more comfortable - that's an accomplishment, just learning to accept yourself helps so much when dealing with others
P00hbear
I also struggle with socialization and would rather to keep to myself. Once I get out and into the scene I do very well, but I have to force myself to be there. If not for my husband "the social butterfly"in our relationship, I fear I would have no social network at all.
sensitive
Hmmmm, I never heard of bunko. I just looked it up. Dice game, eh? What helps me is just to not care about what other people think about me. I look at it as, "Well, I'm going to be me, and if they don't like me for who i am, then that's their problem." and I move on. Of course, I don't conduct myself in an obnoxious manner or anything.
Seems like we give others power over us when we place too much value on their perception of us. Know that you are still a person of value and importance even if someone thinks of and treats you otherwise.
I still struggle w/how other perceive me from time to time and catch myself falling into this rut when it happens.
Take care my big e-sis. =)
NewWave
“We find comfort among those who agree with us -- growth among those who don't.”
Frank A. Clark
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