Journal

I feel horrible right now. I know its a passing thing, but I do.

I just... I feel like people don't respect me. And I know the bigger issue is that I don't respect myself a hell of a lot, but when people don't respect me or I don't feel like they do when they don't respect what I do, I get really upset. And then it's "just Anu losing her temper again" and not like anyone actually cares that I'm upset - only that I'm bothering them because of it. And then I feel like no one actually cares about me at all. And then they (my family) says that there's something totally different about caring about a person and caring about what they do (I've never been good at/understood this separating people and what they do/what's important to them so completely). Maybe I *do* have to re-evaluate the fact that I want what I do to be valued (and as more than "aw, it's cute", more like actually taking time to appreciate the effort I put into things). 

I feel bad, like I only write here when I'm upset about something.

Today was going fine, even though I had to bite my tongue about some religious stuff last night. My brother was in town today and I rearranged my schedule so that I could spend time with him (today was my day off) and put off job searching etc. since I don't get to see him a lot. I took him out to lunch and it was all fine - talking about music and friends and good stuff. Then he started lecturing me on how I'll never finish college because I had to drop two classes my first year after I was sexually assaulted so I could deal with things. I told him that our parents promised me that they'll pay for me to finish, that we talked about this when I moved out a couple weeks ago. Then he called me a liar and told me that they'll never do that and if I don't face the music, I'll never get my degree and be miserable. When I got angry with him (we've done this same dance before and every time he's promised to drop it, but never does, he told me that he's only doing this because he cares. I'm so angry with him right now. And then, when he was driving me home, he might have ruined the transmission of my car (which I need to get to work). I have no words. I'm not feeling bad - I'm feeling furious.

 Also, my brother and mother had a whole conversation last night about how if people just stopped paying attention to what other people thought and knew that they were worthy and good and "made in God's image" outside of what they did and thought and achieved, then they would be better people. I totally disagreed, but I didn't know how to say it. I mean, how can someone do something outside of what they do and say and think and achieve?