psyche's Journal

I believe that I am begining to see myself truly as the rest of the world see's me.  I am a broken down old woman who feels the cold more now, cry's all the time, and has more regrets than plesant memories.  I smile when I think of my parents and then cry when I remember their dead.  I have less dreams and more fears now.  The regrets are deeper and much more real than ever before. I'm more sorry for the people I've hurt, the lost opportunites.  The choices not made.  I stopped myself from doing life for the fear of what people would think when now I say fuck them and go for it but less chances come about.  I've not let people into my world due to fear and now I fear the aloneness.  My steps are slow.  When the steps were fast I past too much.  When my sight was clear I saw little and now I see all.  When I was young I moved with a dance in my step and now I dance in the dark with only myself to see.  The cats hate dancing and the dogs to fat.  I see beauty in the young and want to yell at them RAGE, SCREAM, CUSS, FIGHT.  And yet I'm old and scarred. So afraid of life. I've wasted so much and now the tab is due.  I've destroyed my body doing stupid wild things, good for me.  My soul was destroyed by a wicked man. My soul still struggles with that and yet I know it's dying.  These last few months/days/years/etc are my soul dying.  I'm giving into the future. I'm accepting the fact that I now have too many pounds in places where they don't below, my face is melting like Grandpa Simpson, my hair is graying and yet to my inner eye I'm still that 18 year old who was going to dance and walk in protest marches and change the world.  Now I just want to change my life.  I've always wanted to die.  I've never been good at living, I only hope that I'm better at dead.