Journal

I have been in a lot of pain last couple of weeks , don`t know if it is the weather causing my SM to act up or just the SM trying to get the best of me . It has been raining here more than it has in a long time .

I have been trying to keep myself busy out at my Mom and Dads place helping to mow and trim bushes , not able to do a lot but just being there and trying to help a little has been helping my Dad to not think so much about Moms problems that she is having with the Alzheimers . Not that it has gotten any better but it does help for me to be there to distract Dad from thinking about it so much .

I was going to post a topic on the SM board but the way I am feeling I just don`t think it would be a good idea right now . Too much pain and nothing has helped . The med`s are just making me sick and dissy so I have almost stopped taking them. Some of them are just for the pain but then the side affects are so bad I can`t stand them ,like taking the Tramadol is making me have these head surges and that in itself makes me sick to my stomach , and then the muscle relaxer is starting to make my heart burn come back . My spine feels like it is on fire all the time but it seems like none of my doctors know what to do or they just don`t care . I can`t even think straight when I get this way and it seems like it is happening more often lately . I can`t sleep at night and then I get so tired during the day I want to sleep but can`t because of pain . I guess I better get off of here for now or at least wait until I feel better about myself .

I wasn`t going to write anything because of the pain that this issue causes me . My Mom has alzheimers and at first you could tell years ago that something was wrong but Mom and Dad don`t like going to doctors so it never got addressed until I moved back to my home town and actually saw what it was doing to here first hand. My Dad hasn`t helped much either because he would rather believe in "Snake Oil Salesmen " than in doctors. That all stems from when he was a kid and broke his leg and his parents took him to some country "Quack" and set his leg but never addressed that after they took off the cast he was having pain from his ankle that was also dislocated in the bicycle wreck that broke his leg . He finally got a chiropractor to look at his foot and he pooped it back in place . Since then he has little or no use for doctors . Any how back to my Mom , the damage has been done and can`t be fixed , and it is so hard seeing some one that taught Sunday School and read her Bible every day no matter how many times she had read it through . She has always been the rock that has stood the test of time and two boy`s that seemed to always be at each other (mostly picking at eacvh other). I don`t know what to do , I have been trying to get it through to my Dad that she is not trying to be this way but last week he almost left her and just walked off after 56 years of marrage. If I had not shown up at thier house when I did he would have been gone. He was walking out the door when I got there .

My Mom and I have always been close and it is tearing me up inside to see her in this way . And what is makes it worse is that it could have been slowed down if it had been treated sooner(maybe), the doctors aren`t really sure but that is what they are saying with a GREAT BIG MAYBE . What could have been done or should have been done is not what I care about , I just want for my Mom to be better . The doctor has suggested that we place her in a assisted living home but there are only two of those here , one that we know about and it is a very good place (we had Brenda`s Dad there until he got kicked out for throwing things  at the staff ) and then there is the other one that we haven`t heard much about except that the man that runs the very good one got this one `s owner to start it so it may or may not be as good or it could be better ,Just don`t know . I do know that the nursing homes here are very bad ,I wouldn`t put my worst enemy in one of those they are really that bad . I don`t know how they keep thier license , you can walk in the front door and tell that they don`t care for any of the people that are there . It shows from house keeping all the way to the people in charge , they are just that sloppy and don`t care attitude about them .

It has been a while since I have been here , a lot has happened in the time that I have been away . I have decided that I am not going to make that long trip back to Alburqurque to see the pain doc .All that he wants to do is give me shots that don`t work and up my med`s so that I feel dopped up all the time . I hate feeling like that even for a minute . I did find out that there is a pain doc here that I can go and see and he dosen`t like giving injections any more than I like getting them and he will try and work around the med`s and get something that won`t make me feel so doppy .

Brenda`s Dad passed away  on my birthday .Didn`t have a very good birthday. He was 84 and as mean as they come but he was her Dad .We did get to see our nephew and his baby boy though and had a great time with them even though the rest of the family dosen`t like him ,he is like the son that we never had so we are out of favor with the rest of the family. I couldn`t believe that they weren`t going to let him know that his Grand dad had passed away .That is just not right he is a family mamber and deserves the right to be there at the funeral just as much as the others do . So now our lives are less complicated because we are considered the outcast of the family ,oh well if that is the way they want to be then I am not going to try and mend fences with them because it is not my problem but thiers. I will miss the neice and nephews but I can`t make there mother understand that family is family reguardless of what someone else says or does. Al that I can do is feel sorry for thier loss and go on with life and pray that one day they will wake up and understand that all of this mess was started by a big lie and the person that started it is going to have to pay for what she has done.