tisbutfolly's Journal

So...here goes. 

About a month ago I received a call from my doctor that rocked my world. She told me that I had signs of HPV. I sat there in silence, not really comprehending anything else she said as she set up an appointment with an OBGYN for me. All I could hear was "HPV, HPV, HPV". I had no idea what this meant. Did I have AIDS? Cancer? Was I going to die?

I cried that entire day as negative thoughts filled my mind. I wanted, no NEEDED someone to blame. Naturally, I turned to my boyfriend. This HAD to be his fault. I was FINE before we began getting physically involved. I hate, hate, hated him but for reasons I couldn't explain. When I confronted him, he too was completely shocked. He explained that he had been tested repeatedly for STDs and never in his life had shown signs of HPV. That's what confused us most. Neither of us have warts. Because of this he's still not completely convinced I have HPV and this only angers me more. 

I went to the OBGYN for my appointment which resulted in only more confusion. He didn't even give me an examination. All we did was talk. He explained that my previous PAP results, before I was called with the horrible news, had also come back irregular. Apparently what they thought was a simple yeast infection had actually become more sinister and I now have LSIL. Within six months. This terrifies me. What will it be in six more months? HSIL? Cancer? I know this type of thinking is unhealthy but I can't help it.

I'm supposed to go in on Monday for a colposcopy but due to recent complications, I'm trying to bump the appointment up to tomorrow. Again, reason for more stress. Now all that goes through my mind when I think about it is "cancer, cancer, cancer". Combined with, "Sure, you'll probably get through this. But you may never have children." I asked my mother today if God was punishing me for saying I never wanted kids when I was younger. She told me to stop thinking like that because God didn't work that way. I'm still unconvinced. Don't get me wrong, my mother is supportive. But at the same time she seems distant. I think she blames my boyfriend. This just gives her one more reason not to like him. Honestly, I sometimes wish I had never told her but I think the secret would be even more suffocating than the grief and rage.

The rage is new. Previously I had been angry with my boyfriend. I was sure it had to be him as he had previous partners before me. The visit with the OBGYN changed the direction of my hatred though and caused some brutal realization that has sent me spiraling into depression. I was both molested and sexually assaulted when I was younger. The OBGYN says it's likely I contracted HPV from this encounter, considering how advanced it seems to be. Why is it that the person who took my childhood away from me is now haunting my every waking moment?

At times I wish I was dead. I'm here hoping I might find support. Someone I can relate to. I can't tell my friends. What would they think? It took a lot to even tell my own mother. And it's taking a lot to write this now. Maybe this will help though. Maybe this journal can be a release for all the negative, hurtful thoughts that arise.

I hope.