aiseirigh's Journal

I'm tired of living. I'm scared of dying. I'm tired of running. I'm terrified of allowing anyone to get too close to me. I would rather destroy the prospect of a beautiful and trusting relationship than risk having the person discover the ugly truth about me. I'm wasting away emotionally. My heart is turning black. As soon as I start to care about something or someone, it vanishes. The one thing that is constant in my life is pain and ensuring that I surround myself with people that are going to destroy me. It's just a matter of time. My current "boyfriend" just showed up at my door unexpectedly. I told him earlier today that we needed to take a break since I'm trying to get clean again. He told me that he loved me and then asked for money since he knew that I got paid today. He can't remember my birthday, but he remembers my payday schedule. I took a stand and refused to give him any money. He began to cry and started to pledge his love to me. When I told him to leave, he threw me super hard against the wall and told me that I was a worthless slut/bitch and that nobody could ever love me. I realize that he's sick. As an addict myself, I understand desperation and being dope sick..but what if he's right? What if I'm too fucked up for anybody to love me? I've definitely proven that up to this point in my life.