i just moved to south texas. i …
i just moved to south texas. i had high hopes of starting a new life here. since my arrival here, i havent met anyone …
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russ54 
6:58am, September 8, 2009
Well here I go again..being me.. being mean... dang pain pill just chapp my hide... fur real... I sometimes feel like I'm losin it.. wait....!
Maybeee I done LOST it... ? ... what ever it was ...
Lately the pain.. it's like a big tooth ache.. or an ear ache just drive ya crazy... snapp at everything ...everyone... before you even realize ya shot off ya big mouth...
it don't much matter ... even here online i can type out an insult in a flash....my feeling get hurt so easy...
......
told ya once I was a selfish old man...
seems like no one really wants to take the time to address Russ's problems.. the loneliness.. pain..just loan me those deaf ears so I can lean on ya... but don't lean back.. see.. pushy aint I....I've been off the pain meds two days now.. and I'm still snappin like wounded animal caught in a corner...
....
do any one else struggle to crawl outta these rutts just to fall back in...and sink to the bottom of the pile...and when you get ya first breath of air... all ya wanna do is scream and kick....
I can't figure out if it's anger... or hate....then maybee it 's just mental...
maybe grandma beat me on the head one too manytimes.....
jeesh nine dang years of beatins... sure is something to bragg about as some kind of success story... the chronic pain started in my teens.. but it would come and go...
....then when I was 38... it came to stay...i suppose the heart attack at 35 was a wake up call I missed...youuuu whoooo.. later I got mouths to feed ... rite...What the heck I got to show for it today....as my old grandma would say.. you aint never gonna have a pot to piss in ...or a window to toss it out....she lived long enuff to see me become disable.. boy did she rubb that in... callin me a lazy dragg-ask... drunkard....
I hate it when it looks like she's rite... but I know I aint Lazy....
but I lost my home... my marriage.. my selfrespect due to this disability...
guess I should of hide in my room more... been hididn there past couple days.. comin out just enuff to do a little around the house...make some effort to be huma..n...?
rite....
.......
sometimes being me is really hard... times like these I don't like Me...
i'm such a jerk...
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You have a right to be cranky, YOU are in PAIN!
Wish I had a magic pill for ya.
Hugs Deb
deleigh
I hate to see you so down on yourself Russ. Nothing good can come of beating yourself up and I don't believe for a minute that your life has stood for nothing. Thinking of you, dale
dalecl