russ54's Journal

Sure is funny these days...

I come into a room.. sometimes i stop and wonder...

was I comin in....or goin out...

if I was comin in ...what for...

if I was going out.... why am I still here..

........

I came into this world by C-section....

there was someting about RH-negative blood....

back in the 50's that meant a complete blood transfusion...

then there was three weeks in the incubator...

they must of thought I was l wittle chicken... LOL

.....

Well from  wat all the different folks told me over the years...

My mom... she like wigged out... just plum blew a fuse ..

when i be about 3 months old... yepp she just took off...

dissappeared for two years before her mom found her....

......

So first couple years of my life I was raised by a baby sitter..

now ya gotta remember these are hear say stories ..

I be told by different folks inside my family and some outside...

sometimes seemed like folks knew mo about me than I did...

.....

Well my name was Merle Dean at the time and I was proud of it...

So the funny part of this old brain O mine is the way it works...

spontainious at times it is... it's like a switch station for trains...

and there be a whole lot of track to jump too... Yeah...

.........

For the longest time the first memory was of me runnin out to

meet my dad comin home from work...

actually it was Grandma's house...Dad's mom...and Doris was babysittin..

other memories started popin up later...

....

here's the kicker.....

I remember sittin on a cotton sack ....while someone drugg it along ...

down them long rows of cotton in the Mississippi delta...

Yepp she be pickin cotton draggin my little hinny along for the ride...

....

Then we was sittin under this big tree ...

eatin lunch in the shade....i don't ritely know who was draggin that sack..

I don't remember any faces under that big ole tree either...

it's a fasinatin  memory... cause I couldn't walk at the time...

......

that memory was way before I ran outta  grandma's house ...

I remembered it because I was racin my older brother...

and I fell...tripped on the bottom  step of that shotgun shack...

smacked my wittle face in the dirt... got up bawlin my head off...

not because I was hurt.. because my brother beat me to DAD....

....

Now what folks tell me is Dad hired a lady to watch over us boys....

while he worked.. Dad worked on the Farm...

I have no Idea if they's owned it or was share croppers...

But I know Dad didn't care for the plantin... hoein.. and pickin of the cotton

....

Now any ways this lady ... she looked after us for about three years..

and well I reckon... folks kinda got on Dad's case cause  well she was Black...

and me bein little and all...I'd run up an any black lady lookin for my mom...

and that didn't go over too good in the 50's in Vicksburg Mississippi....

Sad aint it... how folks so quick to Judge other folks just because....

.....

Well who ever this lady was.... she must of been an angel....

cause all my life...everytime I seen folks missed treated...

it just chapped my hide... even as a child my mind reeled with pain...

when I see white folks and black folks fightin  ...

even today... makes my heart sad when I see folks fightin...

......

Any ways....I've often wonder... what set off this one memory..

of being drugg along on a cotton sack while they picked cotton...

more than anything is who was draggin that sack....

or why I don't reconise anyone under that dang tree....

....

some the other memories aren't that involved..

like being put down for a nap... and not wantin to have to take a nap..

Dad he got enuff that farmin stuff and moved to the big city.....

He married Doris.. she was the only mom I could ever remember..

fact I was 5 before I ever met my real Mom....

.....

that is a memory I'd sooner forget... bad one ... that one..

but the one's I remember were weird ones like them recap tires..

they'd get hot and catch on fire...or just plum blow up lol..

then that old ford... get all squirrely and dad be wrestlin it..

keep it uprite and outta the ditch lol..

.......

I remember jumpin outta the back the old studdebaker truck once ..

me and cousin was ridin in the back.. tire caught on fire..

soon as dad got it stopped my cousin kinda tossed me 

outta the truck and came flyin after me ...lol

boy she could toss good for a girl.. and ooops she'd be an aunt..

cause she was my step moms little sister... gee

.....

the one thing that was always on my mind was how much I loved my Dad..

All them years my Mom's Mom raised me ... she tried to teach me hate..

hate for Blacks.. hate for poor... hate my mom... hate myself...

that be why I changed my name at 16 ... I hated being Merle Dean ...

heck it was even grandma that talked me into changin my name...

.....

but I never hated Blacks.. or poor folks.. and heck no   I  didn't hate my

Dad.... nope.... just loved him more ....took so many years to get the hate

in my heart for myself... my mom ... and her mom ...undercontrol...

it came with a great big price tagg too...

Disable at 38... chronic pain...mental illness...depression...

PTSD....Divorce...loss of home... everything I held dear to my heart..

.......

Yet I have these memories...ones worth more than all the riches ...

of this old world......

sometimes I feel like i've lost so much... others I know I've gained

a whole world of understanding... but I can not put it into words...

the most precious thing in life is sometimes just a Smile....

a moment of Peace... self respect...knowin that you've been blessed...

....

Oh looky there comes another train... I'm gonna catch it an ride it for a while... best wishes...

and many blessing.... Russ