russ54's Journal

Sometimes all the pain and loneliness just seems so deep.

I'm swimmin thru a mucky thick soup. feels like swimmin in seaweed.

Ever go swimmin in the ocean just before of after a storm...sometimes the seaweed is so think you can't hardly stand up in it...

swimmin  is totally exhausting...

Then too there is the waves... sometimes they break just seconds apart.. one will knock you down, and soon as ya stand up blam ya get knocked down again..

You can drown in knee deep water fur shore...

point is you have to not panic.. when you get knocked down ...Wait a couple seconds longer to stand back up... then head for shore...

I'm not a strong swimmer any more...

Aint seen an ocean in so many years like since 1978...

Last beach I was on was in San Diego...

Ocean Beach...

First time I stood on that beach,  fresh off the farm..

Fur reel... from kansas to California...

2.50 and hour to 12.96 ...

Like steppin into a totally different world...

I was young and full of myself...

married with one child and another on the way...

those girls and women on the beach were like 

HOt DAM.....  I died and went to heaven...

Cept my wife didn't like that idea a tall...

Course my wife and child were more important to me ,

than all the bikini clad women on that beach or even the world.

Kinda like the nude beach I went to before I was married...

wasn't what most people think it was about...

It was more about freedom.  yeah maybe we like to show off...

but I got tosay  there weren't no secrets on that hill in hippy hollow...

Jeeesh  I miss being an able body male... with gainful employment, and classic cars...

I don't grow old gracefully....

I do it in leaps and bounds....

I'm 55 with the body of an 110 year old...

reckon I get around pretty good considering....

I'm  tired, seems like each day is grayer and less something...

I feel pulled in so many different directions...

I'm fightin to hang on to reasons to continue...

I'm  wondering what would happen if I just said .....

AWWWWWwwwwwwwwwee   Jeeeeeeesh.... 

I  quit...

Instead of being an responsible adult...

I just go for all the gusto I can get in what ever period of time I have left...

Stop the meds, tell the doctors to go fly a kite and just live my life wild and stupid for as long as it last...

Kinda go out in a flash of Fire......

Yeah rite... like I'm gonna do that in my old age lol...

me more  like smolder and fizzle lol....

Frankly I"m runnin outta ideas.....

I find myself clingin to the past....

cause I can't see no future for myself....

Just alone,

Like that should bother me,  I've been alone all my life...

I can only think of one true friend,

We worked together in the oil fields...

he was the only friend I know that didn't have sex with my ex...

He was like a brother I never had...

Miss ya Bill.... never forget ya...

Me and bill  we went deer huntin up in the mountians around Coalville Utah.

Bucks only... hundred thousand does and ya could only hunt bucks...go figure..

WE  walk for miles thru the mountian..

Bill tapped me on the shoulder and pointed at a young moose calf....

Me I tapped him back on his shoulder and pointed at the Mama moose that was on the other side of us...

We was between  the mama and the calf...

I actually say the  hair on the back of Bills neck raise up...

so we eased on out of there slow and carefully...

Ya don't mess with no Moose... less ya plum...

Wow that was a nice memory...

sure hope I get a chance to make some new ones ... before...

I really do give up...

although I'm not for givin up.... it always a naggin thought back there in the deepest part of my mind....

why is that.... russ